Ah, Mother’s Day. The hypocritical, hyperbolic holiday that is second only to Christmas in its bathos and BS.
I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day for the same reason I don’t celebrate Lawyer’s Day. What? there isn’t a Lawyer’s Day?
The rule of law is incredibly important–it’s the difference between the USA and Somalia. Why don’t we celebrate the professionals that keep the rule of law going?
Well, lawyers suck. They’re venal, stupid, aggressive ambulance-chasing sharks. And they infest Congress. They may be important in principle, but they’re not doing the kind of job they should be doing. So we kind of hate them and make nasty jokes about them and would never think to celebrate them.
While all that we think about lawyers may be true, I submit that living in the USA is somewhat different from living in Somalia, and so even if lawyers aren’t perfect, they’re doing an OK job.
Unlike American mothers, who are doing a horrible job and who are doing their damnedest to make America more like Somalia. On average, American mothers are more venal, brutal, stupid, aggressive and incompetent than lawyers. They don’t deserve to be celebrated, as a class. Sure, there are lots of great moms and lots of great lawyers. In America, there are more great lawyers than great moms, percentage-wise.
In certain communities that shall remain nameless lest I be accused of being racist, the majority of moms don’t bother getting married before having children, and don’t bother using the same sperm donor twice. In others, moms get married and then get divorced plus minus a year or two of reproducing.
Unless widowed, every single mom has screwed-up in very important ways. Single mothers are stereotypically treated as struggling blameless heroes. Most of them are not. Some of them, having made truly stupid decisions, suck it up and use their self-inflicted adversity to dig out and make great lives and become great mothers. Most don’t. They just ruin their kids.
We have these stereotypes of the poor as victims and of single mothers as hard-working even-more-deserving victims. Both are untrue of the majority. Most poor people really are lazy and most single mothers are sexually irresponsible and lazy. They deserve to be poor, but their kids are innocent. Till the kids grow up to become stupid, resentful, entitled jerks raised by a role model who is a stupid, resentful, entitled jerk.
Newt Gingrich was right: Put these kids in orphanages, and they’ll be a lot better off.
I don’t want to be considered classist, so I’ll attack middle-class and upper-class moms too:
As you go more and more up the SES ladder, you find fewer and fewer women who are decent mothers. Whether a woman marries money, or is the money, she sucks at being a mom. Rich men aren’t selecting for great moms, mostly. Britney Spears is more famous, not less competent, than most poor moms and rich moms.
As for the middle class, maybe 20% of middle-class moms are competent.
What about my mom? Lousy, thanks for asking. Now you can ignore what I’m saying.
So, no cards, no letters, no congratulations from me to any mom, even the good ones, on this crappy day. This is the one day I will not compliment a mom.