I Hate Haiti

I didn’t used to care about Haiti, till my wife started making noises about going down there for humanitarian reasons. That’s when I started to hate Haiti.

Haiti is one of the most….what? How do you describe Haiti? Fucked-up shithole doesn’t even come close. None of the scatological pejoratives that we usually rely on when talking about the third world capture the redolent stench of how horrible a place Haiti is. Not even Muslims can fuck up a country this bad for this long. To make something stink this bad, you need the French.

Everyone’s falling all over themselves to send money. If you’re reading this, please don’t. There will be plenty of money without you piling on. Take this as an opportunity to send money to a serious cause dealing with an ongoing problem, not just an ephemeral Sally Struthers moment. Yes, if nobody were sending money to Haiti, I would, but trust me–they’ll get all they need and waste a lot more. Let the easy marks carry this one.

Anyhow, my wife wanted to go to Haiti to do her medical thing, and I stamped my little foot. Had she gone, I’d have divorced her. All you other people with spouses spending time down there in that voodoo-infested petrie dish, you should stamp your little feet too, especially now. Though you might not think it’s possible, hygiene’s about to get a lot worse in Haiti.

She didn’t go and I think she was secretly grateful that I nipped that little bit of altruistic horseshit in the bud.

So what should the US do when shit happens?

I’m thinking we should stop giving foreign aid to anyone on any basis, including military, except to countries that agree to be a protectorate of the United States. They should have to accept us disbanding their fucked up governments or at least telling them what to do.

I don’t want to think about the details here. I just want strong, ball-strangling strings from now on everyone who wants the help of the USA. Israel, Haiti, Egypt, I’m sick and fucking tired of paying for your stupidity. Forget no taxation without representation, no help without strings.

There are a ridiculous shitload of spoiled teenager countries out there who will never get it right until they have to live by adult USA rules.

If we want to help Haiti, we should take it over, right now. Otherwise, this is exactly like pouring more money into your heroin-addicted adult child because you can’t bear what’s happening.

Haiti needs to fucking change, and they won’t do it unless we make them do it or die.

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5 Responses to I Hate Haiti

  1. tm says:

    I am 100% with you on this. No more aid for these crap countries.

    And whats all this talk about investing in Haiti we should be investing in the US.

    Protect US companies from unions and we can bring the jobs back.

  2. Adolf Hiter's Evil Twin says:

    I agree with everything except “adult USA rules”. Any country that gets a dime should have “ball strangling strings” on the money, and should follow whatever rules we tell them apply, but our country’s leaders are such a bunch of idiots that I don’t think that I can call any “USA rules” adult. Childish, moronic, short-sighted, feeble-minded all apply, but not “adult”. Unless you’re talking about a mentally-challenged adult. In that case, you’re spot on.

  3. I’m taking offense in this…. Y’all don’t know shit about Haiti and should leave it alone…. Not all of us down there have the means that you guys have here in America. I know we have done some stupid stuff over the pass but that’s not for you to judge. It was a freaking earthquake that killed Thousands of thousand of our population and some of our family members. If you really want to dis my country you should try elsewhere. How would you feel If you was in our position? do you even have a heart? I even don’t get how your wife stayed with you cause you’re an a**hole…. You wouldn’t let her do something good for the world. The sad thing is when anyone go to Haiti they Filmed all the bad parts and let the beautiful side alone. that’s what they do every time they go to a country where there is black people… go Crawl in a hole and die….

  4. Scipio says:

    I just checked again…I still hate Haiti.

    The earthquake didn’t kill thousands of people. The stupid way you refuse to learn from your own history and how you continue to construct buildings did.

    You’ve had a long history of earthquakes killing thousands including one in 1946 that killed nearly 2000 people.

    Hell, y’all are STILL too lazy to start doing anything about building codes–outsiders are still trying to get you to pay attention. So either buy a clue or keep collecting your collective Darwin Awards.

  5. Robin says:

    I honestly don’t even feel like the NGOs help. I mean, even before the earthquake, there was no point in helping them because they were beyond help. They essentially had no medical system aside from the NGOs, and no basic ethics ingrained in the culture. I mean, they’re the only country I’ve seen that didn’t have a pretty side. Even in middle eastern countries, if their dictator makes them go without functional hospitals, the dictator turns up dead. The problem is, even before the earthquake, Haiti had no plans to work out how they could, at some point in the future, no longer need NGOs, and the only way they ever will is if they have to.

    Not only that, all NGOs do is drop off supplies and build buildings and give medical aid. That’s all they’re designed to do, because in most countries, there are some systems in place to take care of the rest. Haiti needs infrastructure, and is going to just sit and wait for NGOs to give them that. They don’t even have the infrastructure to allow them to make efficient use of the help of the NGOs. Other Caribbean countries have problems, but they also have plans to bring income into their country through trade and tourism. I don’t mind helping other countries, but Haiti…well, you pour money in, and it makes no difference.

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