A commenter on my previous post said she honored all bad moms and only bad moms on Mother’s Day. Now, that’s how you survive under totalitarianism.
But I’m not sure I can exert that much energy.
My mom isn’t that bad a mom. Perhaps only in the bottom 20 percent. She might make the bottom 5 percent but probably not. She’s not all that much into achieving excellence in anything.
If my mom were that bad, you’d think I’d have embalmed her and run a hotel and stabbed guests to death in the shower. And I’d at least be gay and beat up hookers who looked like my mom and have a bigger pantie drawer than my wife and be a serial killer.
But I’ve only done several of those things.
I’ve been lucky to have a lot of good moms in my life. My paternal grandmother, who was my real mom. The moms of more than one girlfriend. My mother-in-law is kinda great.
So I’m always conflicted about ignoring Mother’s Day. But now I’ve got the bright idea to do something the day after Mother’s Day. “Because you don’t suck as a mother day.”
Seriously, I’m all about this. Next year every woman in my life who hasn’t sucked the lifeforce out of her offspring is getting something from me on the day after. And if you don’t get something, well, then I guess you know what I think about you.
UPDATE 2016: Uh oh. I forgot about this post. I did the day after Mother’s Day thing the first year then forgot. I am a bad, bad man. But it’s now nearly Father’s Day. So I think I’m going to change this up. On Father’s Day, I’m going to give gifts to the great moms in my life, and on Mother’s Day, to the dads. How’s that for a great idea? Flower prices will be low on Father’s Day too!