Why I Hate Julia Roberts

She’s a Hindu now. No shit. That’s what she says.

Because reincarnation gives her a warm fuzzy and she sees an “old soul” when her daughter sits in a certain way.

She gave up Catholicism because “the silent reverence is not who I am.” She sort of gets Baptists because they appreciate community.

Basically, she tries on religions like underwear. Do they bind? Do they make my ass look fat? Not a single thought about whether they’re true or not.

I’ve always hated Julia Roberts. I think the only movie of hers I’ve seen all the way through was the one with her and Mel Gibson and I think I was hoping he’d kill her before it was over. Never saw Pretty Woman. Or 4 Weddings and a Fried Tomato. Or Erin YouAre SuchaDumbBitch.

Now, I’m not deranged in my Julia Roberts hatred. I’m deranged in my Andie McDowell hatred. Andie is Julia’s evil twin. If I were seated next to Andie at a restaurant, I’d go over the table with a bread knife to try to take her out. I’d throw burning bananas Foster in her face screaming Allahu Shut The Fuck UP your screechy dolphin voice burns my brain Akbar!

I get that JR is talented and pretty and the most alpha-woman in the world. It goes against my JR-hatred that she married Lyle Lovett. I love LL. If I married him, I’d never divorce him. I’d stand by my man.

They met on a movie set and the divorce was final 2 years later. Good on LL for hittin’ it and quittin’ it. Nice line-item on his sexual resume. I bet nobody says no now.

There’s something deeply wrong with Julia Roberts like there’s something wrong with Katy Perry.

Evidence of that will keep coming out on both of them, but all you need is a little spidey-sense.

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