My Little Koran

Before the Florida nutjob pastor’s scheduled Koran burning was to occur, I bought a cheap Koran for $8 on Amazon.

I’ve never owned a Koran before. I’ve read it online, a truly eye-glazing experience that makes you long for the “And Somethingorother begat WhatTheFuck and WhatTheFuck begat Can’tTouchThis…” chapters from the Old Testament.

I kind of like finally owning a Koran, making it my bitch. I can tell it to do anything, and if it doesn’t obey, I can throw it across the room, Sharpie it, rip out a page, even draw a Hitler mustache on it. So far I haven’t used it to mop up any bodily fluids, but it better not sass me.

My original intent, if the Florida nutjob hadn’t got landed on by Petraeus, Obama, Gates, Gainesville and similar dhimmi’s, was to let my little Amazon Koran live. I only bought it as insurance in case the worst happened, and it did. Not only did Muslims burn thousands of American flags, but America assumed the position.

No longer is burning a Koran a childish act of disrespect. It’s the right thing to do.

See my post a few days ago, “A Brief History of Book Burning” for a full explanation. In short, Muslims need to stop threatening, firebombing and murdering in the USA right the fuck now. They won’t do this unless if they bring a knife, we bring a gun. A lot of us.

However, Koran-burning isn’t very creative. I don’t want to be the obverse of all those Muslim dipshits who burn American flags. If I’m going to abuse My Little Koran, I want it to be funny as hell or “bring out the gimp.” I guess the gimp is funny too. So, I invite everyone to give me suggestions for how to torment My Little Koran. Off the top of my head:

  • Pork-related insults: Blotting the grease off fresh bacon, taking the bone from a pork chop and dressing it up as Muhammed in origami-ed clothing made of Koran pages.
  • Effigies: Looking up the flags of Muslim countries, and drawing them in crayon on Koran pages. Then getting together with some friends and shouting Death to Islam! while setting the flags on fire. Making little paper airplanes and a little paper mosque and crashing the airplanes into the mosque.
  • Charmin. Probably not. That’s not very creative.
  • On Halloween, staple a whole bunch of Koran pages together to make a big ol’ paper burkha. When people ask me what’s that? I tell them it’s a Kor-Urka.

Wow, this is all in horrible bad taste, even for me, isn’t it?

As soon as I post this, I’m going looking for a picture of Mohammed on the Internet. Not a caricature, but something close to accurate. I’ll settle for a caricature if I have to. I’ll print it, piss in a Mason jar, drop the picture in and call it Piss Mohammed. I’ll put it out on the back porch for a day or two to make Sun Tea and then tip it over and let the raccoons drink it. I’ll take pictures. Then I’ll apply for a federal government arts grant for the pictures, and I’ll probably get it. the best raccoon picture will be titled “Raccoonadimajad.”

UPDATE: Guess who’s going to a party with his Kor-Urka on?

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3 Responses to My Little Koran

  1. Llama John says:

    You’re on to something here. New business idea – take pages from the koran and make them the background for paper targets. Sell ’em online.

  2. Scipio says:

    Yeah, let’s productize this:

    Biodegradable urinal cake wrappers, anyone?

  3. Llama John says:

    I like it! When do we start?

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