God Damn The TSA

I really wish I were flying the day before Thanksgiving, which is National Opt Out Day. This is the day when everyone refuses the new backscatter radiation treatment and demands the TSA cops cop cheap feels. It takes a lot longer for a TSA drone to dry hump a passenger than to shove them through the X-ray machine. I’ll bet if even 5% of passengers opt out, people will start missing planes.

Next time I fly, I am opting out, and I’m asking for a female groper. See, I get freaked out by the idea of a gay man playing with my junk. I’m going to very thoroughly interrogate the sexuality of any male who starts putting on his rubber gloves. “Are you gay? Are you sure? What about in high school? Ok, if you were gay, would you rather do Usher or Janet Napolitano? Are you enjoying this? Are you sure you’re not? Really? Is that a flashlight in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Now for all you docile fucktards out there who are willing to put up with this in the name of “increased safety”….

Why stop here? Why not do strip and body cavity searches? The new machines can’t detect explosives stuffed up  your ass. Certainly, we’d be safer if we did that.

And why not ban all luggage? You can mail what you need to your destination.

How about requiring an FBI background check on every passenger?

Now, my dear fucktard, not even you are in favor of these measures, even though they would increase safety. So despite your curious combination of self-righteousness and submission to bureaucrats, you too balance safety and security and are willing to give up safety when the means of ensuring it are too intrusive. So don’t give me any stupid shit about what happens after somebody who would have been caught by the new scanner sets off a bomb. What happens after someone stuffs a bomb up his ass but you were too prissy to submit to a cavity search? Of course, as a card-carrying fucktard, you’re against profiling, which the Israelis think works, and I tend to trust their judgment on this.

Name me one terrorist plot in the last 10 years that has been stopped by the TSA. How many times have they been punked by people putting crap in their luggage that should have been caught but wasn’t? (It’s a lot–look it up on the Internet.) How many terrorist plots do you think will be foiled by subjecting the rest of us to even more obnoxious procedures? When the TSA closes one door, Allah opens a window.

How have we caught terrorists? #1 is their own ineptness. Christ, terrorists are so incompetent in general that most of them could be TSA employees. Or it’s intelligence tips. As stupid as these terrorists are, none of them have been stopped by TSA in the airport. They will still get past TSA with the new measures. It’s not hard to outwit TSA.

If we were serious about security, we’d profile. We’d know who’s a business traveler who’s flown this route every other week for the last 10 years and who has an unusual travel profile. You’re goddamn right we’d pull nearly all Muslim men out of line and play with their shaved nuts.

But we’re only serious about getting the American public to accept stupid bureaucratic intrusions on everyone. It’s just about conditioning us to play “Simon Says” with these blundering douchebags.

One more thing…guess whose consulting firm has the company that makes the new machines as a client? Michael Chertoff, Bush’s bald butthead ex-Homeland Security czar who brought us most of the existing TSA bullshit. He’s been lobbying to have these machines used for quite a while now. That’s the fucking cherry on top.


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