I got email from WordPress today telling me they’d been subpoena’ed about this blog.
Uh oh, I thought.
(Well, Fuck me! is what I thought, but that’s how I say Uh oh.)
There was no information in the message except that someone was trying to track me down in the Matrix. I replied immediately, asking, uh, am I allowed to know anything about who wants me, other than his alias is Agent Smith?
Before this, my last post was in defense of Terry Jones burning Korans. And, as constant readers of this blog know, if Muslim Mullah were one of Baskin Robbins 31 flavors this month, I wouldn’t lick it.
So I was pretty sure, given recent events and posts of mine in response to those events, that this was about “hate speech” and it was going to turn into a giant pain in the ass, at best. Ok, so I know the weapon is “hate speech against Muslims,” but whodunnit and in what room will they try to kill me? My guesses:
- The US government, some damn courtroom
- Some assshat liberal/progressive organization, trying to ruin me in meatspace
- CAIR or another Muslim terrorist front organization, trying to ruin me in meatspace
- Some Muslim mosque or offended individual, equipped with explosives or a machete
- Some lawyer employed by any of the above except the gubmint, who would try to hide the identity of the asshole seeking to fuck with me, and then sell me out to all of the above.
- Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory
I don’t mind admitting I was kinda worried given that the subject is Islam.
As I’ve said before on this blog, the first time I get the sense that talking shit about Islam has even a slight likelihood it will result in someone coming to my house to behead or blow up my family, I’m shutting up. To the credit of Islam (well, probably more to the credit of the fact that nobody reads this blog except a few people who know me and who read it because it allows them to vicariously say Cunt! a lot), no threats have been lodged till now.
Threatening my anonymity is a big threat. I talk because I still have faith in the system.
My bet, about this subpoena, a little earlier today, was that this would be some lawyer who’d refuse to reveal its client, and I’d have to think hard about strategy. I didn’t think it could be the US gubmint because they’re too slow and I only signed up as a Terry Jones cheerleader yesterday. I mean, hell, it took President Toonces 2 weeks to figure out that people were saying “Libya” not “Dubya” and start paying attention.
As it turns out, I was hasty, and had only skimmed the notice from WordPress. This is a bad habit of mine when reading email, caused by the bad habit of other people who send me too much email. WordPress intended to attach the subpoena, but forgot to.I asked them to please attach, and they said, Oops! sorry and sent it right along.
I. Am. So. Relieved.
It’s the US gubmint after me! and it’s not about Islam!
It’s not anyone dangerous, like Muslim terrorists or terrorists fronts like CAIR, it’s Congress. Well, I guess, they’re dangerous, like Frankenstein with his thumb on fire, if Frankenstein had his thumb on fire and up his ass at the same time.
My identity is being subpeona’ed for a grand jury, Capitol Hill style, because of a flurry of posts I made on Dec 2, 2010. Never before or since have I made that many posts in a single day. Maybe I’m being called up in front of the Excess Daily Blog Posting Committee.
And it was a Thursday. I don’t remember, but I hope I was out sick for the day, in case my boss ever finds out about this. Or maybe my wife went out for dinner with her friends and I just went sick on the blogging since YouPorn was offline. Actually, I just looked at the post timestamps, and they were all post-midnight posts, so I must have been both drunk and with the next day off.
I’m not excusing what I posted on the basis of alcohol. I stand behind it all. Well, I haven’t re-read it all, but fuck you assholes on Capitol Hill. I’ve re-read enough to know that this is so 1st amendment protected and you are hysterical ninnies. And cunts. It’s important here that I call you cunts, just to keep my readership interested. And to boost my search position. Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt (drawing a breath) Cunt Congressional Cunt.
Anyhow, I posted on 3 subjects that fateful day:
- DSM5 collapsing their multiple “being an asshole” diagnoses/insurance codes and the deleterious effect this would have on psychiatrists who liked getting paid $200 an hour for fucking their BPD patients.
- The TSA’s new rules and how I was thinking of saying “If you touch my skin, I will punch you” over and over again as I went through the line, like I was Rain Man. Actually, I only said I was thinking about saying that, I didn’t think about doing it like a crazy person till now. Also, the bullet point above was only implied in my original post. If there’s one thing I like, it’s embellishing.
- Multiple posts about Republican(ish) congresscritters who weren’t getting the Tea Party message.
Even I will ignore the DSM5 thing as the reason for the subpoena, even though most congresscritters are still diagnosable, even under DSM5’s relaxed criteria.
Now, maybe all this is about me threatening TSA agents. If it is, I just want to say I’m sorry, and that I’m not going to punch any TSA agents for touching my skin. I haven’t had to fly since the new rules. However, I do have to fly in June, and I’m buying a kilt in May, and I’m wearing it commando on the plane and I will be expressing extreme pleasure whenever a TSA agent touches my junk, and I will be refusing private pat downs (or, as I like to call them, government reach-arounds). I have witnesses, including my mortified wife and multiple other people who will jeer me endlessly if I don’t go True Scotsman on the TSA this June, that I have softened my attitude about the TSA since that unfortunate post. What else might harden when they grope me, I can’t predict. It’s not against the law to take two Viagra before boarding a flight. I just want to be ready for the moment.
UPDATE 2016: I did buy that kilt and I did wear it on multiple flights and I did have multiple encounters with TSA agents where I provoked them, and all the TSA agents were at least professional, several were sympathetic, and only a few were surly, but remained in-bounds.
The way to bet is that I am in trouble with a grand jury for metaphors. I created a category on my blog called Confirmed Kills. This was before Gabby Giffords got shot. In light of that, I’d have probably called the category Confirmed Cunts. <snort>
There are two congresscritters in my Confirmed Kills category: Voinovitch and Bennett. Unfortunately, all I said was watch these two assholes after they’re out of office, because they’ll be snorting money from Confirmed Assholes like it was cocaine.
I referred repeatedly to putting down Congresscritters like rabid dogs. I said “it’s more important to hang traitors on our side than to beat the other side.” I said “Thad Cochran is a slimy political animal. Let’s put him down.” I also begged for God to kill Lisa Murkowski in a botox accident.
UPDATE 2016: It was the “threat” to Thad Cochran that really got their attention. He’s not dead yet. More’s the pity. When he dies, I hope it’s long drawn out and with incredible excruciating pain. Cochran is the poster child for why Trump. In a better age, he’d have been run through with a broadsword already.
Since none of these worthless fuckers are dead, and nobody’s caught me yet trying to put them down, from my lips to God’s ears isn’t that great of a strategy, is it?
Nobody’s listening to me. I’m fine with that. I rant, therefore I am.
I am getting a lawyer. But I will probably ignore his advice and try to fuck with the Feds. I would love to testify.
Here’s their stupid subpeenie:
Ok, they’ve managed to keep me from saving the pdf text. so I’m just typing this in. There’s no law against typing yet, since it’s not a fucking happy meal in New York City.
Subpoena for: Automatic
Subpoena # 10218019 / Prepared by: CB
Please provide any records relating to the identity of the person (s) that made a posting on https://hlet.wordpress.com/ who identified themselves as “Hannibal Lecter’s Evil Twin” on 12/2010 at 3:23 time zone PST.
Here’s the post you’re talking about, you stupid Federal motherfuckers:
Thad Cockroach isn’t up for rejection till 2014. He’s old as hell. If we’re lucky, he’ll die before then from all the pork he’s been consuming.
Citizens Against Government Waste rates him the top porker in the Senate this year. Yep, he beat out all Democrats.
He voted against the earmark ban, shocker.
He’s a slimy political animal. Let’s put him down.
If he’s dead, I’m glad. Don’t know if he is, but hope he is. You fucking idiots. You really think I killed him? If he’s dead, let me know. We’ll cook him up and feed him to the rest of you. Oops, wikipedia says he’s alive. Were I on the Thad Cochran Assassination Committee, you’d think I’d know that.
Seriously, Congress, I’m coming for you.