Weiner Whiner

So, Tony the Wiener finally fessed up to liking hot young girls who look a lot like his wife, only way hotter. The legacy media was shocked, shocked I tell you!

How stupid do you have to be from his first press conference to not know he was lying? Well, you could be Rachel Maddow.

Rachel Maddow catches a lot of crap from the right wing for being a lesbian and for, when she talks, having a mouth that looks like an anus in a porn movie that has just had a penis removed from it. But I’ve always kind of liked her, and not just for that accidental resemblance. (See, I am trying to behave better here, or at least go more in a Chris Hitchens direction scatologically. Notice the complexity and irony of this paragraph. I’m pretty proud of it.)

Anyhow, whatever the reason, I’ve always liked Rachel Maddow. I’ve felt a little bad for her when SNL has slaughtered her. But I have to say, her impassioned defense of Pepe Le Wiener is not her finest moment. Maybe it’s just because she’s a lesbian that she didn’t get it, that she didn’t realize Weiner was lying on the floor curled up in front of his computer after accidentally sending that tweet to everyone and going “Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Pull it together, Tiger! Yeah, you’re still the tiger! Yeah…Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!”

Let’s give Pepe Le Wiener his due. He recovered in 4 minutes and started posting his cover story. Not a bad refractory period. He knew he had to do immediate damage control, and he did as good a job as anyone could have done. It might have worked in an age before every IP address was logged by every ISP and every shoplifter has a security cam watching them. Maybe the legacy media air cover and news of a really really really really big massacre in Syria by Hilary Clinton’s optometrist pal might let him skulk off to face the private wrath of his wife.

(BTW, there’s been a lot made of the “conspicuous” absence of Weiner’s wife from Tony the Wiener’s 30-minute press corps flagellation. That was weird, as in you know what else starts with Wei. It was humiliating. Prolonged unnecessary humiliation.

(I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Tony got some cheap thrills off the press corps during that confession time, and those thrills got amplified when he got home. He’d have probably liked it even more if he’d had no podium to hide behind and everyone could see he was stiff as a pencil. Mistress, may I confess? Not saying his wife is a freak, just saying…well, yeah, she’s totally a freak.)

Anyhow, can we all agree that any career you choose primarily to indulge your sexual kinks, the rest of us don’t need to feel sorry for you when you screw it up. You’re kind of a douche when you ignore love, debase work and seek power only because you’ve rejected everything real and now you are seeking power so you can spend your life on cheap thrills that you couldn’t get without power. Let’s call this the Caligula Syndrome. No, let’s call it the Caligula-wannabe Syndrome.

On to the geometric or trigonometric problem. I can’t remember which mathematical discipline is appropriate. Because the only math I can do in my head these days is making fun of the chick at Taco Bell who can’t figure out that I gave her $11.01 on a $6.01 bill because I wanted $5 back with no pennies. Pay attention if you’re reading this in high school, because you could improve your ACT/SAT score and not have to work at Taco Bell and wait for the light bulbs to come on in the cash register machine instead of your head.

Math problem: Tony the Wiener is a skinny little bitch. Everyone in the MSM is saying that his dingy dingaling is obviously huge. I’m skeptical. I think he probably has 23-inch hips. Just eyeballing it, I’m thinking 5.3 or 5.32 inches. I could be wrong. Measure once, cut twice.

Anyhow, all you high-schoolers, get out your slide rules, by jiminy, and triangulate and figure this out. How big is Weiner’s dick, in what he thinks of as a portfolio shot?

Next up: Weiner resigns! Shocker!

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