I flew last week for the first time since the TSA upped the 4th Amendment violations last winter.

I wore my stylish black pinstriped Utilikilt and my big big big huge girl Hello Kitty panties I got from e-bay.

I went to the airport 2 hours before my wife, expecting/hoping for huge hassles.

I wish I could report huge civil liberties violations. Instead, I have only practical advice to offer:

If you don’t want TSA to touch your junk, wear a kilt. I will never fly again in anything but. It’s really comfortable. And, once you’re in your airplane seat, if you angle the overhead console air jets and your legs just right, it’s really refreshing.

I want to go on the record right now saying that I didn’t illegally record the TSA interview by placing a recorder in my laptop bin which got turned off after 17 seconds when the stop button got jostled. On the way back, I didn’t record the more interesting TSA interview, this time sliding the hold switch to prevent STOPping, and I have not yet listened to that recording that I didn’t make and I won’t get around to it tomorrow. The recording that I didn’t make was close by during my gate-grope, but it was in bin #1 under a stack of 3.

On the way back, I didn’t wear my HK panties. I pulled a tendon while on vacation, and after the drama changing my underwear in an airport bathroom on the way out, I realized that I’d probably have to wear those panties the whole way home if I put them on in the hotel. My commitment to civil liberties has its limits. Those panties tend to ride up.

On the way back, I got a trainer and a trainee. I thought, Oh, goodie, I’m in for it!  First question: Are you going commando under that kilt? First answer: I can’t wait for you to find out, big boy!

Evidently, there are skirt rules that are applied unisexually. Nobody but me got to see Hello Kitty either way. The gate groping was cursory both ways. I could have had enough C-4 tucked into my HK panties to blow up the whole airport and I’d have gotten away with it. Of course, I’d have blown up the whole airport while standing in line to get my boarding pass checked, if that’s what I was about.

I asked the trainee: So, how many people would it take opting out to shut down the airport? He said “not many.” Then the trainer jumped in, “Oh, it would take 50 percent.” I asked the trainer, how many bad guys have you caught since 9-11? He said it’s a deterrent or detergent, I forget which–but zero terrorists. That proves TSA is 100% effective.

While I hoped I’d get fascist reactions from TSA guys, what I got was amused jocularity. I had a really good time. My skirt was a no-fly-zone. If you don’t want your 6-year-old to get groped, I’d recommend a Utilikilt:


Update 2016: I continue to “opt out” but my wife hates the Utilikilt, so I’ve bowed to her wishes. I have TSA precheck anyway.









2 Responses to TSA! TSA!

  1. hmmm says:

    So if a woman wears a skirt and opts out of the backscatter device, will she get groped? Or will it also be cursory for her?

    • Scipio says:

      I am assuming that standards for skirt groping are the same for both sexes. If you decide to test it out, can I watch?

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