The Republican Crack Suicide Squad

I now despise each and every Republican candidate for president. None of them are fit for the office. All of them are better than Obama. Christ.

Let’s do roll call:

  • Michelle Bachmann. Came out against HPV vaccinations, signed on to the Jenny McCarthy crazy train.
  • Herman Cain. I supported him through the sexual harrassment allegations up till the last one. His wife didn’t know what he was doing on that one. Baba Wawa got Cain to say that he thinks he’s qualified to be Secretary of Defense. He’s obviously just another egomaniac wannabe. Seriously, fuck you Herman. You are the worst disappointment of this disappointing pack. You’re a jackass, and you made me hope we didn’t have just another jackass in the race, so I really hate you. You don’t understand “right of return” and you think you should head the government agency that should most understand what’s going on in not-our-country-istan? Take your ego, shove it up your ass, and tell your wife next time you’re paying some bitch’s bills. You SUCK.  There are singular important facts that trump everything else. YOU DIDN’T TELL YOUR WIFE YOU WERE PAYING THAT BITCH MONEY. It doesn’t matter whether you fucked that bitch, YOU DIDN’T TELL YOUR WIFE. You’re worse than Bill Clinton. The Clintons never pretended that they didn’t wink wink nudge nudge. HermanCainIsAHorribleHumanBeing. Someone should register that domain before I do. Seriously, Herman, you douchebag, if you’re not getting laid by that bitch what the hell are you doing with her? I’m asking on behalf of your wife. You pretend asshole.
  • Ron Paul. He’s a nice guy. Better than that, he’s inflexibly principled. I love the people in Ron Paul’s district for re-electing him time after time, more than I love Ron Paul. He has the moral luxury of not being in charge of much. At his level, he pushes people in the right direction. Were he suddenly in charge of everything, catastrophe.
  • Rick Santorum. What can you say about this pack of also-rans when Santorum is the most intellectually serious of them? He’s not that serious. But he’s better than they are.  No, he can’t get elected, but at least he’s not embarrassing himself.
  • Newt. He’s a whore. The money that he made taking it up the butt from Freddie Mac should have cooked him. There’s no excuse, no justification, no way to atone for that. All it proves is that conservatives should shut the fuck up about how liberals justified Clinton’s sins. Newt is way worse. If you’re a conservative supporting Newt, you’re a whore-monger.
  • Mitt. Until this week, when Mitt first felt threatened by the ABR (Anybody But Romney) brigade, he seemed to be the adult in the room. His pissiness at the first sign his castle might not be impregnable tells us that he is not the adult in the room. He’s a mud-wrestling little bitch like the rest of them.
  • Gary Johnson. I’d hit that. Too bad nobody else will.

Paul Ryan refused to run. Chris Christie refused to run. Every Republican who’s not a joke refused to run this year. What are they thinking?


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