I used to think Warren Buffett was kind of cool. He was the Yoda of finance, oracularly dispensing pithy aphoristic wisdom, mystically making money because he got it at such a deeper level than the rest of us.
Now we know he’s a douchebag. He’s a smart douchebag, but he doesn’t get it at some deep level inaccessible to the rest of us. He’s been slouching toward douchebaggery for a while, but with the Secretary Stunt, he’s finally arrived.
In case you missed this, Buffett famously bitched a while ago that his secretary pays a higher marginal tax rate than he does. Then he pimped her out to Obama for the State of the Union address. She sat next to Michelle Antoinette, like a Muppet, was used as a prop.
The question that I was asking when I saw her sitting there with the hand of the Democrat Party up her butt, was, how much is her salary?
Either she’s in the 1% or Warren Buffett is a cheap bastard. And this is the poster child for class warfare?
A couple of days later, other people started asking how much does Warren Buffett pay his secretary, and Warren the Wonderful declared such impertinence out of bounds.
This completes Buffett’s transformation into the Gollum of Omaha. Ok, maybe that’s too harsh. He’s Obama’s Little Bitch, at least. That’s completely accurate.
Warren Buffett and Mitt Romney have this in common: when asked pertinent questions about their wealth and how that squares with their ambitions to rule the rest of us, they’re flummoxed. Buffett recently got asked why he didn’t donate more to the US Treasury and he was as nonplussed as Romney when he got asked about hiding his tax returns.
People crawled up Romney’s ass and asked what kind of incompetent campaign staff does he have that he was caught flat-footed on such an obvious issue. Perhaps we should also ask Warren Buffett’s secretary why she didn’t prep her boss.
Buffett and Romney live in a world of privilege that the rest of us imagine but don’t imagine correctly. They responded to those questions about their wealth without help from their minions because their minions were afraid to help them. They were on their own, for the first time in a long time. And they fucked up. Like real human beings.
Buffett and Romney have worked hard, worked smart and have been lucky. The lucky factor is why so many people resent the ultra-rich. Refusing to work hard, much less work smart, is why I resent the poor.
Anyhow, here’s why Warren Buffett is a douchebag, in bullet points:
- He started this. He’s the one who complained for political gain that his secretary pays a higher marginal federal income tax rate than he does.
- He threw retirees and other middle class investors under the bus. Buffett was arguing that you should pay as much on capital gains as on ordinary income. He’s too much of a douchebag to admit it, but what he was saying is, If you’ve spent a lifetime working and saving and investing, the government should swoop in and tax you in your old age like you’re still in the workforce.
- Buffett refused to donate ANYTHING to the Treasury when asked about it. If anyone can afford it, he can. He said he’d do it if everyone else would, a condition he knows won’t be fulfilled. When caught unguarded with a plebian question about his wealth, Warren ain’t that smart. Like Romney.
- I promise you, his secretary is in the 1%. Buffett is such an arrogant asshole that he thought nobody would dare to ask how much she gets paid. He put her out there as the exemplar of the working poor. Now he is scared shitless that we’re going to find out that she makes half a million a year.
Anyhow, hero takes a fall.
Nice job, Warren. You’re about to take a Joe Paterno fall. Die or shut up. I don’t care which.