I’ve got a crush on Ashton Kutcher

The teen whatever whatever awards, he delivered a speech worthy of Ted Cruz.

Best line: I’ve never had a job that I was better than.

Next best: I’ve never quit a job without having another one.

Next: Opportunity looks a lot like hard work.

Then he said some stuff about stepping stones and smart is sexy and other good graduation speech things.

Seriously, I would kiss him on the mouth if I thought he’d like that.

So I heard about this Ashton thing on Rush Limbaugh or something, and when I went to look for it on YouTube to show my wife, I had a little trouble finding the video. Not a lot of trouble, but a little trouble. It should have come up immediately in my search.

But I had to dig a little and get past chaff about Ashton tells people his real name and Ashton talks about being generous and kind and Ashton says he’s old and then when I got to YouTube, it took another couple of minutes to find unedited video. When I look for something on the Interwebz to show my wife, 5 minutes is an eternity.

Now, I’m not saying there’s a conscious conspiracy, but I do find it a little weird that the raw video of what he said took me 5 minutes to find. Trust me, I find stuff in 5 seconds that takes most people 5 minutes.

Looking just now, just before posting this, it’s better–there are now print stories with more quotes, but I still had to expend calories to find the video, which you’d think would be viral by now.


The rest of this is mostly random ranting triggered by the above. spidey-sense stuff.

If you aren’t on Team Edward (Snowden), you’re ignorant of technology. I’m not saying you’re evil, just you haven’t a fucking clue about what he did, so shut the fuck up. Snowden is a hero, and if you don’t think so, you’re not qualified to talk about it, or you’re on Team Evil. Seriously, get some tech help before you say anything again about this.

At first, you couldn’t tell for sure if Snowden was a douchebag or hero. That time has passed, Either you get that Snowden is a hero or you are on Team Fuckwad or you don’t understand the issues and so you are on Team Fuckwad by default.

Here’s a personal story….

A couple of years I was hit with a Congressional subpoena because I dared to metaphorically “threaten” three asshole Republicans. Lucky for me, my threats were not only metaphorical but electoral and obviously rhetorical. I said stuff like “we should put down Thad Cochran at the next election like Old Yeller.” Didn’t matter to the stupid data-sweeping government programs that automatically filed subpoenas against people like me.

It was obvious to anyone but a chimp or Congress that I was talking about electoral politics.  I wasn’t talking about actually killing Thad Cochran.

But now that I think about it, somebody should actually kill Thad Cochran. I’m making an official offer: if you will kill Thad Cochran, and send his head back to me in a box that doesn’t leak, I will send you a $2 bill, which is a collectors item. We must arrange a contract in advance, since I don’t have any $2 bills, and I will have to obtain a $2 bill.

Long story short…

The ACLU took my case to keep the Official Office of Congressional Nazis from forcing Google to reveal My Secret Identity. It wasn’t even a close call legally. The CongressNazis folded immediately legally. I’m sure they know who I am and they now are tracking you because you read this. This wasn’t about hiding from them, it was about fucking with them. Go ahead, put me on your list. I aim to misbehave.

God Bless Google too for telling me about the Federal gubmint coming after me and giving me a chance to fight and enlist the ACLU.

If you don’t think the US gubmint isn’t trying to intimidate speech, I’d like to come to your house and duct tape your mouth. Just as performance art. I could probably get authority to do that as a census worker.

Let’s get really clear here. Pretty much as much as the Chinese Gubmint leans on Internet providers, so does the US Gubmint. The different is our Gubmint is spying while the Chinese Gubmint is censoring.  Other than that, there’s not much difference. They both think they can do whatever the fuck they want, and, far from being accomplices, google and yahoo and microsoft are unwilling storekeepers forced to pay protection to government protection rackets by gag orders from government mafiosos. Maybe we need a new term: Obamamafioso.

The Federal government in the USA is lawless and ridiculous.

God bless Edward Snowden.

And, if you have been fucking your secretary in motels with your phone turned on, how long do you think it will be before your wife can subpoena those records? Long enough, I hope, that you have a new girlfriend who works for the NSA.

If you’re blaming google, facebook, microsoft, yahoo, for your privacy being raped,  you’re blaming the bullied, not the bully. The federal government is out of fucking control.


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