Brett Kimberlin Sucks It

May 28, 2012

Just sayin’.

At least he knows how to get a day named after him on the Internet.

In case any more gubmint agents are reading this blog, I’m not joking or being metaphorical this time:

I will absolutely throw a party celebrating his death if someone kills him. I’m not saying someone should kill him to give me an excuse to throw a party.

I’m just sayin’.

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Best White Trash Moment Ever

May 28, 2012

I’m watching The People’s Court. Relatives are suing each other over a car and some tickets and some whatever that happened during planning and executing the memorial service for another dead family member.

The defendant, tattoo-artist on the weekends, truck driver during the week, is making money to get back home by doing “memorial tattoos.” His defense is that he ended up with plaintiff’s car as payment for their memorial tattoos and it’s not his fault that he got pulled over a lot going back to …. wait for it … Florida. She’s pissed about the tickets. I’d be pissed about the tattoos. They look like he drew penises on her foot.

I just told my wife that at my funeral, I want a memorial tattoo booth. I’m not sure what the tattoo is going to look like, but I’m pretty sure it will involve a gravestone and a butt.  Tattoos $250; not getting tattooed, $1000. It’s about time funerals became profit centers for somebody besides funeral directors.

Guess who won? Guess who lost?

Nobody won. We lost. Because these people aren’t extinct.

The plaintiffs won $250 because the tattoo ink is already fading.


Mitt Romney is a bully and so what?

May 27, 2012

I got bullied in grade school. Then I stood up to one bully in public and grew six inches in a year and developed some athletic ability. So I didn’t get bullied in high school.

I don’t like bullies. I’m sure I was one of them. I didn’t take lunch money or slam anyone into a locker, but I was verbally vicious.  After I got big enough that people didn’t slam me into lockers, I didn’t suddenly turn into Jesus Christ. I stayed a verbal bully.

One night, all the boys I was running with decided to hold one guy down and “twiddle his dick.” I didn’t participate. I didn’t report it. I just kind of hung out on the edge so I’d still be in the group.  I was surprised by what my group suddenly decided to do. You don’t do your best moral thinking when you’re surprised. I should have stopped it. I should have at least reported it. I didn’t. And I don’t feel that bad about it. Moral courage and going against the group is an adult virtue. This is why you should be really careful as a parent about who your kids hang out with.

Boys do stupid shit. Cowardly and bullying shit. Even good boys. It’s pack behavior.

I set mailboxes on fire.

I set a lot of things on fire.

I did horrible racist shit against Jews only because they were in our neighborhood and I was 11 and running with a pack. I didn’t really know what a Jew was, except it was fun to light a flaming bag of dogshit on their porch, ring the bell and run. We called their house the Jewish Temple. I should probably work real hard to find those people and apologize. But I won’t.

It’s been quite a while since I harassed a Jew or set anything on fire. I’ve even toned down the verbal bullying quite a bit.

People grow up. Not me, but most people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


John Edwards – One Percent Justice

May 12, 2012

Everyone who isn’t an idiot knows Edwards is guilty. But he might just OJ it.

Despite being a multi-millionaire, he was cheap enough to use campaign contributions to support his mistress instead of just writing a check.

His defense is that he was so afraid of his wife that he just doesn’t remember or just doesn’t know who paid for the four star hotels where he was fucking his crazy mistress. He never looked at the bills because he was so afraid of his wife.

Democrats, be careful.

If Edwards gets to go scot free, this will cost you. It could cost you the 2012 election.

Here’s me, hoping Edwards gets away with it.


Mother’s Day

May 12, 2012

Most people are going to pro forma celebrate Mothers Day tomorrow.

When most mothers do a good job, I’ll celebrate this day. But the majority of women in America who have birthed children are doing a horrible job raising them.

Let’s celebrate Lumberjack’s Day instead. There are few living horrible lumberjacks.

 

 

 


Gay Dog Whistles

May 9, 2012

Joe Biden had himself quite the time last weekend. The zenith or nadir, I doubt Biden can tell one from the other, of his performances was on Meet the Press. The legacy media spin on his rah rah siss boom bah paean to gay marriage was that he was once again off the reservation, embarrassing President Toonces, whose public views on gay marriage are the same a George Bush’s.

At first, watching this interview, I thought, what the hell? David Gregory seemed to really be asking Biden hard, confrontational questions. It took me a few minutes to grok how rehearsed Biden’s answers were. This was batting practice, not hardball. Then, at the end of the interview came the obviously agreed-to-in-advance question on gay marriage.

Biden was more eloquent than incoherent in his answer, which proves he had to have been coached. Except for the dumb Will and Grace reference, he made his case well. What are we to make of all this?

Biden’s job is to ultrasonically signal to gays that Obama–wink, wink, nudge, nudge–deserves their votes despite throwing them under the party bus along with the rest of the usual Democrat identity group suspects.

It’s hard to tell whether the incompetence of the Democrat media campaign is outstripping its cynicism. Right now, I’m calling it a tie.

UPDATE:

Let’s game this out. Now that Obama has had a heart-to-heart with Robin Roberts on GMA. All of a sudden, he’s “evolved” and is in favor of gay marriage. His campaign is completely incompetent compared to Mitt Romney’s. Seriously, I just don’t get it. Here are the scenarios:

  • President Toonces was really blindsided by Vice-President says-whatever-the-fuck-his-subconscious-dishes-up-at-the-moment. This wasn’t a standard-issue MRT Biden fuck-up. Oh, no, Biden schooled and shamed Toonces. And Toonces had to scramble to fix it. Leading from behind? Leading with Joe Behiden thrusting from behind.
  • Toonces sent Biden out as a weather balloon. That’s what really happened.

When Toonces got his ass kicked the other day in a pro forma primary  by a convicted felon in West Virginia (it was 60/40, felon 40, that’s an ass-kicking, Toonces versus anonymous convict) he realized that the protest vote was real, and that’s when Toonces abandoned people who actually get their hands dirty when they work and his campaign decided he’d better secure the votes of men who soak their hands in Palmolive. Biden was sent out to see what the reaction would be. And the Obama campaign was anticipating an ass-kicking in the primaries, which they got. I love it that they’re going down the list of people they can usually count on and crossing off names.

If you’re gay, and you vote for Obama, you deserve not to get married. If Barack is your flip-flopping leader, I don’t care agout gay marriage either. How do you feel still being on Obama’s Pander-List?

Obama wants your vote. He gives no more of a shit about your rights than about mine.

I’m just happy that the Obama campaign is even more incompetent than cynical. Obama is toast. Landslide, Romney.

UPDATE 2016: Wrong again about the election, but right about how feckless and stupid gay men are when it comes to politics.They were more likely to vote for Obama than almost all other demos. Goddamn idiots. I am seriously tired of how stupid and immediately self-regarding gay men are politically.