The Republican Crack Suicide Squad

December 15, 2011

I now despise each and every Republican candidate for president. None of them are fit for the office. All of them are better than Obama. Christ.

Let’s do roll call:

  • Michelle Bachmann. Came out against HPV vaccinations, signed on to the Jenny McCarthy crazy train.
  • Herman Cain. I supported him through the sexual harrassment allegations up till the last one. His wife didn’t know what he was doing on that one. Baba Wawa got Cain to say that he thinks he’s qualified to be Secretary of Defense. He’s obviously just another egomaniac wannabe. Seriously, fuck you Herman. You are the worst disappointment of this disappointing pack. You’re a jackass, and you made me hope we didn’t have just another jackass in the race, so I really hate you. You don’t understand “right of return” and you think you should head the government agency that should most understand what’s going on in not-our-country-istan? Take your ego, shove it up your ass, and tell your wife next time you’re paying some bitch’s bills. You SUCK.  There are singular important facts that trump everything else. YOU DIDN’T TELL YOUR WIFE YOU WERE PAYING THAT BITCH MONEY. It doesn’t matter whether you fucked that bitch, YOU DIDN’T TELL YOUR WIFE. You’re worse than Bill Clinton. The Clintons never pretended that they didn’t wink wink nudge nudge. HermanCainIsAHorribleHumanBeing. Someone should register that domain before I do. Seriously, Herman, you douchebag, if you’re not getting laid by that bitch what the hell are you doing with her? I’m asking on behalf of your wife. You pretend asshole.
  • Ron Paul. He’s a nice guy. Better than that, he’s inflexibly principled. I love the people in Ron Paul’s district for re-electing him time after time, more than I love Ron Paul. He has the moral luxury of not being in charge of much. At his level, he pushes people in the right direction. Were he suddenly in charge of everything, catastrophe.
  • Rick Santorum. What can you say about this pack of also-rans when Santorum is the most intellectually serious of them? He’s not that serious. But he’s better than they are.  No, he can’t get elected, but at least he’s not embarrassing himself.
  • Newt. He’s a whore. The money that he made taking it up the butt from Freddie Mac should have cooked him. There’s no excuse, no justification, no way to atone for that. All it proves is that conservatives should shut the fuck up about how liberals justified Clinton’s sins. Newt is way worse. If you’re a conservative supporting Newt, you’re a whore-monger.
  • Mitt. Until this week, when Mitt first felt threatened by the ABR (Anybody But Romney) brigade, he seemed to be the adult in the room. His pissiness at the first sign his castle might not be impregnable tells us that he is not the adult in the room. He’s a mud-wrestling little bitch like the rest of them.
  • Gary Johnson. I’d hit that. Too bad nobody else will.

Paul Ryan refused to run. Chris Christie refused to run. Every Republican who’s not a joke refused to run this year. What are they thinking?


I personally dislike the Obamas

December 13, 2011

Most people still like Obama, according to polls. He’s the Kim Kardashian of politics.

I don’t like him anymore and I really can’t stand his Michelle Antoinette wife.

Nobody wants to say out loud they don’t like rich black people. I’ll say it.

I don’t give a flying shit that they’re black or not. They’re privileged, pretty political insiders who have played the system using race politics and being willing pawns to climb to the top.

The Obamas suck.

Don’t Give Christmas Gifts: The Preamble

December 9, 2011

Believe it or not, I have a few crackpot notions.

This doesn’t mean I’m a crackpot. A crackpot is someone who manipulates all small talk and social occasions into opportunities to practice their crackpottery.

A crackpot notion is just an opinion or practice you are fervent about that makes perfectly nice people blink in surprise when you present it to them. They feel nonplussed and usually try to humor you.

The difference between a crackpot notion and being a crackpot is the difference between an opinion and an identity. For example:

My mother is a full-blown terminal crackpot. She believes in any and all quackery: reflexology, homeopathy, putting tapwater in jars and wrapping mylar colored filters around it to create medicines based on color. She even had a machine, perhaps still has it, that she puts a Polaroid picture of someone into one side of it and an aspirin in the other side of it, and that cures a headache. She also would put a photo and laxative in it to try to punish neighborhood teenagers. She is interested in nothing but her crackpottery.

No matter what you serve for dinner, something will make her nauseuous, allergic or the beets will have a bad aura. If your kid has the sniffles, she’ll yank out her homeopathic Materia Medica and start interrogating you about your kid’s left nostril snot texture so she can decide whether to dose your brat with heparus sulphurus or malleus maleficarum.  And yes, whether there’s more snot in the left or right nostril is a diagnostic indication. She always carries her travel kit of 200 different vials of sugar pills labeled with hocus pocus homeopathic names.

There is no chance that any interaction you have with my mother will not end up with you dumped into her crackpotty.

Now that we’re clear that I am not my mother, here’s my crackpot notion:

Resolved: The Christmas gift-giving tradition is pernicious and should be abandoned. Christmas gifts are bad for you, emotionally, ethically, societally and economically. Whether ’tis better to give or receive–these are distinctions without a difference when it comes to Christmas gifts. It all sucks. So just stop. Every Christmas gift you give or receive diminishes you as a human being, corrupts your children into little stuff-vampires, worsens your relationships with everyone and distorts the economy.

As crackpot notions go, this one isn’t that far outside the pale, since 90% of men agree with me, secretly, silently, cravenly.

I will be elaborating on this crackpot notion in a series of posts where I will try to avoid the F-word and the C-word and the S-word and all the other words that are now known by their Sesame Street names. This will be Print-friendly.

Social vs Moral

December 7, 2011

We had a friend over for dinner a few weeks ago. A single mom, with an awesome single daughter. Daughter wasn’t there. It was adults’ night only. Mom started in on Palestininan Israeli moral equivalence. I lost it. I’d been drinking. I’m glad I’d been drinking or I might not have lost it. I’m so sorry that I don’t tolerate people who don’t get “never again.”

I started with “Are you fucking serious?” Then I escalated. I nuked her from orbit.

She emailed my wife next day, are we done?

Nope, we’re not done. I will not apologize. I have nothing to apologize for. She should apologize, to me and about 6 million other people, but I don’t care if she apologizes.

It’s not like she really hates Jews. She’s just a product of her student loans. The important thing is that she should be worried next time she spews this unreflective anti-Semitic bloodless venom that there might be somebody like me around.

I’ll be baby-sitting her awesome daughter while Mom (unemployed) goes to the Prince concert next week. I will be giving aforesaid awesome daughter a copy of Podkayne of Mars.

I was rude to Mom. Better rude than flippantly despicable. Liberal morons have had way too many free-range priviliges. They don’t expect anyone to tell them to shut the fuck up.

Not all racism is created equal. Anti-semitism is the worst form of racism. Next liberal moron goes off on Israel, whether at work at home or play, I promise to make them sorry and not give a shit about it being a “career-limiting maneuver.”

Stock Market’s Worst Day Ever

December 2, 2011

Stocks surged 500 points earlier this week on news that the American gubmimt was going to bail out the Euro-weenies to the tune of nearly a billion American dollars, freshly printed and diluting the net worth of every American taxpayer to save US banks that have $7 trillion exposure to Euro-weenie lay-in-the-sun irresponsibility. National banks all over the world backed this play, since we’re going to pay, and they’re similarly exposed.

Game over. Seriously. This is the worst thing that’s happened to America since 9-11.

This is the ruling class buying time to bail out. They all know it’s going to collapse and they’re now sewing their golden parachutes.

The collapse is going to happen sooner than later.


Herman Cain’s High Tech Lynching

December 1, 2011

A woman is claiming that Herman Cain banged her, on and off, for 13 years.

First, let’s dispose of this woman. She’s an awful human being. Typical of the lazy, stupid kind of woman who gloms on to successful men because she has a pussy and men like pussy.

This woman is horrible. Doesn’t mean she isn’t telling the truth.

I saw this stupid bitch on Good Morning America, and she’s not convincing. She has cell phone records, so far, none of them probative.

Herman Cain has presented himself as a man of sexual probity assaulted by horrible women on a witch hunt.

If Herman Cain has put his dick in any woman except his wife in the last 43 years, he is an evil fucked up lying sack of shit.

Either Cain is a lying monster or he’s victim of a witch hunt not seen in this country since 1620.