Ding Dong the Bitch Is Gone

January 22, 2011

Keith Olbermann just got the boot from MSNBC. They let him have 6 minutes to rant and self-aggrandize and conjure the ghost of Tim Russert, who is no longer here to defend himself, but who I hope will go Christmas Carol on Olbermann’s ass for this.

Keith Olbermann has always been a known asshole, not just in his opinions and persona, but in real life.

He’s a triple threat: he’s everything wrong with the left, everything wrong with Hollywood, and the real life Ted Knight on crystal.

If he ends up homeless, that’s one more good reason to cut off all assistance to the homeless.


The Metaphysics of Gun Control

January 12, 2011

We won’t find common ground on gun control because it’s about conflicting worldviews.

I will call the first worldview, Eeek! A gun!

I will call the second worldview, Eww! a dead bad guy is getting blood all over my shoes!

Bet you can’t guess which worldview I’m in.

The first worldview is that we’ll reduce violence by taking guns away from people. Disarming good people is worth it if you catch bad people in the net. In fact, most bad people wouldn’t find another way to do significant violence if they didn’t have guns. How many bad people would be able to take out 20 people at once with a knife?

The second worldview is that the genie is out of the bottle and the best way to deal with the minority of bad people with guns is to make them worry about being surrounded by a lot of good people who have guns. In a shopping mall. On a street. In a restaurant. At school, for Christ’s sake.

I live in a concealed carry state. I don’t carry. I’m a lazy, selfish sonofabitch. I’m starting to feel guilty about not carrying after the Arizona debacle. Concealed carry is not about protecting yourself. It’s about protecting your community. You’re more likely in this wonderful country to be a witness to violence than a victim of violence.

Give back. Carry.

UPDATE 2016: I have a CCP, I’ve spent a fair amount of time and money getting trained, and I still seldom carry a firearm. In the last few months, I’ve realized I feel competent to carry, after a couple of years of training. I do carry pepper spray and sharp weapons, and the only thing really stopping me from carrying a firearm regularly is shelling out the bucks for a good carry gun, one that is small enough to conceal without having to wear cargo shorts and an untucked Hawaiian shirt everywhere I go.

I also no longer believe in concealed carry as a public duty to protect your fellow citizens, except as a statistical deterrent to the bad guys. . The more training I’ve gotten, the less I care about protecting strangers who refuse to protect themselves.



Can we drop the Chilean miners back in the hole?

October 15, 2010

27 of the 33 rescued have already filed lawsuits. Let’s plug the hole by bulldozing their lawyers into it and then putting in a giant concrete butt plug.

The Lasting Memory Paw

September 24, 2010

Your pet has always been an important part of your family. You’ve built so many lasting memories together. But our special friends pass on too soon and when they leave it feels like a part of the family is gone.

Now, there’s a truly special way to honor the memory of your cherished dog or cat with the new Lasting Memory Paw (TM). This beautiful, personalized memorial contains a weather resistant photo holder that displays any picture of your cherished dog or cat, indoors or outdoors. DISPLAY OUTDOORS!

It’s the perfect way to honor the memory of your pet. Each Lasting Memory Paw is specially inscribed with this touching poem:

Our hearts still ache in sadness, and secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know.

The Lasting Memory Paw special paw print shape is expertly crafted to look and feel like authentic stone.  Place the Paw in your back yard…place it at the front door to remember your loyal friend every time you come home. There’s no better gift…it even comes with a hook…call now to order…

If you did call, please turn yourself in for spaying.


April 2, 2009

Incredible how we think everyone’s an irresponsible idiot, yet we drive in traffic.

The above line has been sitting in my drafts for a couple of weeks.  Last night, I read email from my daughter. She’d just gotten a cool new job! I called to congratulate her, and it took her about 45 seconds to slow me down and let me know that she was in an ambulance.

A 16 year old in Dad’s Buick (seriously, Dad’s Buick, with Dad in the passenger seat and Grandma on oxygen in the back seat) made a very poor new driver left turn decision. Totaled my daughter’s beloved Impreza. As she said to me today, “That’s the only inanimate object I’ve loved since Kitty!”

Kitty was a stuffed animal I bought her at the Jacob’s Lake gift shop near the north rim of the Grand Canyon when she was barely toddling. Kitty was her constant companion through all childhood misadventures and trials, including a Kitty-napping by a jealous schoolgirl friend. Kitty eventually shuffled off this mortal coil, and is in an urn or a pillow or a jar of formaldehyde now, I can’t remember which. Kitty and Blankie, RIP. Probably in the same pillow.

So she’s fine today, if in mourning for her Impreza, and bruised as hell.

But that truth remains. Every day, we drive at lethal velocities, trusting our lives to people we despise–people we wouldn’t trust to make the right decision about anything else, but we trust them to make split-second right decisions and they trust us and we get home every day.

Once every 11 years, like with my daughter, that trust is violated. But given how stupid you (and I) think most people are, shouldn’t it be every 11 minutes that we get slammed into?

Hello world!

February 22, 2009

Today is a day of tragedy. Thus this blog, where I can howl my outrage to the world, now that both of my surrogate ranters, Adam Carolla and Tom Leykis,  have been taken down on the same day with the same bullet. KLSX is dumping its talk format for cheap DJ-less music.

Oh, and arrivederci, Bonaduce!