I came to my faith later in life

September 30, 2010

So says Barack Obama.

He’s lying.

But let’s say he’s not.

It’s one thing to be immersed in religion as a child and to never escape the cradle.

It’s another thing to glom onto some irrationalist bullshit as an adult.

I’ve never known anyone who grew up secular and who came to faith as an adult that wasn’t a hot mess.

It’s a litmus test for me.

Either Obama’s a hot mess or a liar.

Pick.

I’m going to say, Liar.


Obama Panics

September 29, 2010

Well, he just did, didn’t he?

He’s the Melanie Wilkes of politics. He needs a Scarlett to help him bury the bodies. But Scarlett’s going back to Chicago.

BTW, in the Blu-Ray GWTW, if you slow forward, Olivia de Havilland is like TOTALLY NAKED.


My Little Koran

September 25, 2010

Before the Florida nutjob pastor’s scheduled Koran burning was to occur, I bought a cheap Koran for $8 on Amazon.

I’ve never owned a Koran before. I’ve read it online, a truly eye-glazing experience that makes you long for the “And Somethingorother begat WhatTheFuck and WhatTheFuck begat Can’tTouchThis…” chapters from the Old Testament.

I kind of like finally owning a Koran, making it my bitch. I can tell it to do anything, and if it doesn’t obey, I can throw it across the room, Sharpie it, rip out a page, even draw a Hitler mustache on it. So far I haven’t used it to mop up any bodily fluids, but it better not sass me.

My original intent, if the Florida nutjob hadn’t got landed on by Petraeus, Obama, Gates, Gainesville and similar dhimmi’s, was to let my little Amazon Koran live. I only bought it as insurance in case the worst happened, and it did. Not only did Muslims burn thousands of American flags, but America assumed the position.

No longer is burning a Koran a childish act of disrespect. It’s the right thing to do.

See my post a few days ago, “A Brief History of Book Burning” for a full explanation. In short, Muslims need to stop threatening, firebombing and murdering in the USA right the fuck now. They won’t do this unless if they bring a knife, we bring a gun. A lot of us.

However, Koran-burning isn’t very creative. I don’t want to be the obverse of all those Muslim dipshits who burn American flags. If I’m going to abuse My Little Koran, I want it to be funny as hell or “bring out the gimp.” I guess the gimp is funny too. So, I invite everyone to give me suggestions for how to torment My Little Koran. Off the top of my head:

  • Pork-related insults: Blotting the grease off fresh bacon, taking the bone from a pork chop and dressing it up as Muhammed in origami-ed clothing made of Koran pages.
  • Effigies: Looking up the flags of Muslim countries, and drawing them in crayon on Koran pages. Then getting together with some friends and shouting Death to Islam! while setting the flags on fire. Making little paper airplanes and a little paper mosque and crashing the airplanes into the mosque.
  • Charmin. Probably not. That’s not very creative.
  • On Halloween, staple a whole bunch of Koran pages together to make a big ol’ paper burkha. When people ask me what’s that? I tell them it’s a Kor-Urka.

Wow, this is all in horrible bad taste, even for me, isn’t it?

As soon as I post this, I’m going looking for a picture of Mohammed on the Internet. Not a caricature, but something close to accurate. I’ll settle for a caricature if I have to. I’ll print it, piss in a Mason jar, drop the picture in and call it Piss Mohammed. I’ll put it out on the back porch for a day or two to make Sun Tea and then tip it over and let the raccoons drink it. I’ll take pictures. Then I’ll apply for a federal government arts grant for the pictures, and I’ll probably get it. the best raccoon picture will be titled “Raccoonadimajad.”

UPDATE: Guess who’s going to a party with his Kor-Urka on?


Where’s a death panel when you need one?

September 25, 2010

Andy Griffith is shilling for Obamacare in TV ads right now.

I’m sure he’s doing it for free and I’m sure that Salma Hayek, Sela Ward and Sandra Bullock are about to knock on my door and tell me it’s my birthday and they’re my three wishes.

If Andy Griffith can’t pay for his own health care at this point, fuck him. He’s made millions and if he blew it he deserves to die as a cautionary tale.

This week, the Democrat spin machine has gone into high gear. They’re sending President Big Ears to barbecues and little gatherings everywhere. The sent Colbert to Congress. It won’t work because they think you’re stupid and they don’t even know when they’re dripping condescension. Don’t tell me it’s raining…


The Republican Pledge

September 24, 2010

Hate to say it, but I kinda like it.  The “young guns” who drafted it were pretty smart:

  • It doesn’t swing for the fences. People like that bullethead Hannity are bitching already about that. The YG’s are saying they didn’t want to put anything in there that couldn’t be enacted this year. Nothing about ditching Social Security or abolishing the IRS–just stuff that people would have to put up or shut up right now. The YG’s went for low hanging fruit, with a couple of zingers (like that thing that every bill must cite its Constitional authority).
  • It’s got checkboxes and they’re inviting you to mark your scorecard. Or to hold accountable whoever votes against each line item.
  • They made Boehner wear a shit-eating grin and sign on by not putting anything in it that shouldn’t be achievable in the next year. They just gave him his task list.

Suddenly, I’m bullish on Republicans and I’m into their strategery.


The Lasting Memory Paw

September 24, 2010

Your pet has always been an important part of your family. You’ve built so many lasting memories together. But our special friends pass on too soon and when they leave it feels like a part of the family is gone.

Now, there’s a truly special way to honor the memory of your cherished dog or cat with the new Lasting Memory Paw (TM). This beautiful, personalized memorial contains a weather resistant photo holder that displays any picture of your cherished dog or cat, indoors or outdoors. DISPLAY OUTDOORS!

It’s the perfect way to honor the memory of your pet. Each Lasting Memory Paw is specially inscribed with this touching poem:

Our hearts still ache in sadness, and secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know.

The Lasting Memory Paw special paw print shape is expertly crafted to look and feel like authentic stone.  Place the Paw in your back yard…place it at the front door to remember your loyal friend every time you come home. There’s no better gift…it even comes with a hook…call now to order…

If you did call, please turn yourself in for spaying.


What’s Next for Muslims

September 22, 2010

Time and space are compressed and jihad can be waged effectively across vast distances at little expense. Not only did we learn this from 9/11, but also from the cowardly reaction of the American establishmen to the threatened Koran burning a couple of weeks ago. Muslim threats and massed hatred flashed around the world, prompting our putative leaders to cringe and put pressure on the preacher to back off.

Immediately following that, to reward us for our sensitivity to their delicate sensitivities, a terrorist imam declared a fatwa against the woman who dared suggest a “Draw a Picture of Mohammed” day. While Robert Gibbs and his pussy boss fulminated against the Koran burning I’ve not heard one word pass their lips about this poor girl having to go into hiding and change her name. The FBI told her that Muslims were coming for her, but refused to pay to protect or hide her.

On the other hand, the city of Gainesville is now trying to dunn the Koran-a-cue preacher for $200,000, which they claim they spent for pre-empting more Muslim violence against an American citizen exercising his First Amendment rights.

Once upon a time, Christianity was about as barbaric and intolerant as Islam. Since the Renaissance, Christians have taken a leisurely several centuries to grow up and get table manners. Islam doesn’t have the luxury of that much time to reform itself.

Before instant communication, nearly instant travel and the capability to instantly vaporize a city, it was possible to migrate if you didn’t like the local authorities. It took a lot of time, money and effort to fuck with people who weren’t in your immediate vicinity.

The ability of Muslims to cheaply and effectively fuck with anyone they want to anywhere in the world is likely to be their undoing.

The American establishment hasn’t yet caught on to the meaning of the GZ mosque controversy and the aborted Koran burning. Freedoms of speech and religion and legal protections for all citizens are secondary issues. The main thing that is dawning on more and more Americans is that Muslims are obnoxiously exercising their ability to fuck with anyone they want at will. The dynamic here is not the defense of the rights and sensibilities of a minority, but thugs moving into your neighborhood and terrorizing (literally) anyone who doesn’t appease them. Hell, they’ve got David Petraeus cowed.

The growing distate Americans feel for Islam isn’t bigotry or racism–it’s that we don’t like being pushed around by little punks. If this were about free-floating white-America bigotry, we’d have gone after Muslims hard in this country after 9/11–that was more than enough excuse.  But we didn’t and the reason we didn’t is that most Americans aren’t bigots and knew nothing about Islam and don’t dislike people just because of skin color or funny clothes or unusual religious practices. Instead, we bought GWBush’s bullshit about “extremism” and “hijacking” of a “peace loving religion.”  

Since then, we’ve learned a lot more about Islam and what we’ve learned is nearly all ugly. Any American who pays attention to the news now knows all about stonings, clitoridectomies, honor killings, wild mass demonstrations of joy after 9/11, continued terrorism, internecine terrorism like they’re rabid weasels in a box, oppression of women, hatred of gays, rejection of secular society and law, ruthless willingness to murder those who haven’t wronged them, perpetual car burnings, barbaric fatwas, gobsmackingly stupid fatwas…. That’s the real mainstream Islam.

Whatever else he is, the Ground Zero imam is obviously a fucking asshole. Even the most cud-chewing multi-culti liberal can’t argue about that after his behavior in the last couple of months. He’s a slumlord. He has a co-preaching Truther delivering sermons or whatever the hell they’re called right at the site of the proposed mosque. The money trail, as usual with Muslim organizations, is murky and stinky. He won’t answer any questions. He’s threatened us about what will happen if we block his mosque.

Juxtapose how Obama smooched the imam’s butt with the “Shhh! don’t make them mad!” reaction to the Koran-burner and most Americans can smell the hypocrisy.

Pile on the desecration and burning of American flags by thousands of these fucking assholes before the Koran was even burned. Then the fatwa against the Seattle cartoonist. Add to that the fact that we’re still waiting to hear from all these moderate Muslims we’ve been told so much about but have seldom seen.

You have to be some kind of self-policing gutless wonder not to be feeling a slow burn about Muslim bullying and bullshit.

At a certain point, like we did with the Mafia, we’re going to get sick of this and go Elliott Ness on Islam.  Only it’s going to happen a lot faster and take a lot less provocation before we get fed up. Just as the Internet amplifies and universalizes every affront to Islam, it puts every shitty thing they do right in our faces too. And nothing will save them if they do something  bigger than 9/11.

Imadinnerplate in Iran doesn’t get this, and you should be scared of him like the Chicago crime families should have been scared of the crazy motherfuckers who did the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. That was the final straw where the people in Chicago decided they’d really had enough of the gangsters. 9/11 was not the equivalent of the St.V-Day Massacre. The first Muslim nuke that goes off, that’s St.V-Day for Islam. 

If Muslims think our reaction since 9/11 has been harsh, they should think hard about how much cheaper it would have been to pacify Afghanistan and Iraq if we didn’t give a fuck about collateral damage. 90% of the cost of those wars has been about NOT killing Muslim civilians.

Our military is still engaged in spending a gusher of American taxpayer dollars in a try-real-hard-not-to-kill-Muslim-civilians-winning-hearts-and-minds-Hallmark-card kind of war. We’ve spent nearly a trillion dollars trying hard to subdue instead of kill them in the last decade. Pile on to that the trillions lost through our government-incented plutocracy, and we’re stretched pretty thin right now, both financially and in terms of temper. And there’s a Democrat in the White House and if patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel, starting a war is the last economic refuge of a Democrat. Obama will make it very clear he’s no Muslim sympathizer if the economy doesn’t turn around and they give him half an excuse.

Americans don’t lose wars they want to win. If some crazy Muslim motherfucker actually gets a serious nuke to go off somewhere  (endemic Muslim incompetence may save us yet–just because Iran spends a lot of money and builds a lot of stuff doesn’ t mean they can light a firecracker with a blowtorch and a fart),  then Americans will want to win that war. And if we’re still broke and demoralized, we will want to do it by building lots of bombs and using them up to keep Americans employed. And I don’t think we’ll care too much about collateral damage anymore. We didn’t care about it with the Japanese when they launched their total war against us.

We been using our mommy voice with the Islamic world post 9/11. It’s pretty stupid to believe that’s all we’ve got. Keep it up, and Daddy’s coming upstairs with a belt.

Assuming that Muslims don’t commit a grand scale atrocity in the next few years, I can’t see them backing off on the obnoxious petty thuggery in the meantime. If incidents keep happening at about the rate they have in the last couple of years, then it won’t be 10 years before Islam will be held in about as much esteem by average Americans as the KKK. The “extremist” meme is collapsing. American Muslims should think hard about that. Most Americans aren’t pussies, we’re nice. You have to do us multiple injuries before we figure out that you’re not nice. Once we figure it out, our enemies quickly discover that nice and tough aren’t mutually exclusive.

One way or another, by degrees or suddenly, Americans are going to get tough with Muslims and demand civilized behavior. Our obdurate opposition to the GZ mosque is just the beginning of us slowly counting to ten…