Obama in Seattle

September 26, 2011

It was an NFL Seahawks game day.

President Toonces shut down the major freeways at exactly the wrong time.

You can pay $7K a seat at the Paramount Theater if you want to listen to Toonces and maybe get in on the graft and corruption Toonces represents. That’s a lot better investment than a Seahawks ticket. Since you won’t get to the game on time anyway since that arrogant fuck Toonces decided he owns the roads.

It was pretty funny though. The left was out to fuck with Toonces, not the right. Giant leftists protests downtown. Abandon Israel. Shut down oil pipelines. Medicare. Climate change. Kiss my grits. Free some guy named Jason. Or else. Bitch. The left is a dangerous master. Can’t wait to see them keep going rabid on Toonces this year.


Hostages Who Suck

September 26, 2011

Let me be the first to say that I’m NOT happy the two dumbass hiker guys who got kidnaped by Iran have been released.

Like the Argentinian miners, they’ve managed to quickly make the rest of us wish they’d just been buried alive.

First thing the hiking douchecbags did was hold a press conference and bitch about Guantonamo Bay. You’d think even the stupidest liberal douchebag, given 2 years in an Iranian prison, would realize that there is a difference between us and them, but you’d be wrong.

$1.5 million was paid in ransom to get these three idiots back (one guy’s girlfriend was released early after a $500K down payment). The government of Oman was the bagman for the last $1 million. Thank god we have the well-financed and credible mainstream traditional media to ask important questions like who paid for the release, what favors were exchanged behind the scenes and why the fuck we should pay off Iran for kidnaping our citizens instead of us kidnaping their president Ahmahandjob or whatever his name is while he’s in New York this week. I’ll bet we could get $5 to send him back.

This is just one more way in which Muslims are like the Mafia. Kidnaping and hostage taking for money.  Islam isn’t so much a religion as a squabbling crime family culture. Corleone, Tattaglia, Barzini. Sunni, Shia, Sufi. Larry, Moe, Curly.

It’s gauche to ask, what the hell were you three fuckwads thinking when you went hiking? I’m nothing if not gauche, so I’ll ask. What were you three fuckwads thinking, and I use the word thinkng loosely?

I’ll bet these three idiots were upper-class anti-American leftist asshats financed by money from previous generations expressing some dumb-ass political opinion or another by expressing solidarity or something by hiking in an indigenous area infested with indigenous people. Peoples.

I want to know who really paid their ransoms and why.

UPDATE: These two douchebags have now publicly thanked Hugo Chavez, Desmond Tutu, Cindy Sheehan , Noam Chomsky and Sean Penn for intervening on their behalf. Still no word on who put up the million and a half dollars Iran got paid.

It’s looking like Chavez brokered the deal.

One of the douchebags lists his occupation as “free lance journalist” and the other as “environmentalist.” Just checked my thesaurus for these terms and the only thing listed was “asshole.” I don’t know what these 3 stooges, or useful idiots, were really doing when the Iranians grabbed them. They weren’t where they were just because they saw a picture in National Geographic and just had to go. As people with common sense say, “They were asking for it.”

These three little shits are the American moral equivalent of Muslim terrorists. They’re upper class brats with some kind of a bone to pick who glom on to some asinine romantic salvational ideology and then become a huge pain in the ass to everyone else.

How can I say that three little Whole Foods-shopping, Birkenstock-wearing shits who probably put spiders outside they find in their bathroom are the moral equivalent of terrorists? Well, the little shits said that Guantanomo Bay was the moral equivalent of Iranian prisons. I’m playing by their rules.

I want to strap them all on JDAMs and drop them on Tehran.

America the Ridiculous

September 25, 2011

Benjamin Netanyahu and Tony Blair.

What do they have in common? They both have spoken eloquently, forcefully and with no BS about big issues in ways that no American politician has dared since Reagan.

Netanyahu’s speech at the UN this week didn’t quite make me cry.

Your tax dollars are paying for the Iranian moron Achmadinnerplate or whatever his name is to stay in a 5 star hotel a stoning’s throw away from 9-11 Ground Zero. American diplo-mats weakly walked out on this Iranian tool’s speech while paying his minibar tab. We should have grabbed his stinky little ass and demanded that Iran pay 1.5 million dollars for his return, like this little shit just demanded to release the 3 stupid American hikers that he kidnapped.

We have nobody running for President in 2012 who’s even in the same solar system as Tony Blair or Bibi. The Republicans are all retards. Everyone who isn’t an idiot acknowledges that Barack Obama is the Paris Hilton of politics.

The Republican field:

Michelle Bachmann has proven herself to be as dumb as Jim Carrey’s wife. I wish there were no vaccination against lockjaw because maybe then she’d  shut up. I used to be a big fan of Michelle, like I was a fan of Sarah. It will be a long time after this before I support letting women vote, much less letting women hold elective office. Seriously, name one woman since Jean Kirkpatrick who hasn’t turned out to be an idiot in public life.

Romney is the poster child for poster children. He’s the same old same old.

Perry is Romney on PCP.

Herman Cain is a nice guy with his heart in the right place–he’d be a worse president than Obama, if that’s possible. The world is not a pizza joint.

Newt needs to spout ideas and bang his most recent wife, not run for president.

Ron Paul at least knows what he’s about, and it’s not about winning.

Gary Johnson–I’d vote for you, nobody else will.

Rick Santorum – He’s the Summer’s Eve candidate. Everyone thinks he’s a douche.

John Huntsman – who?

Really, Republicans, this is the best you got?


Gate Rape

September 24, 2011

If you fly on airplanes at airports in America, you have to go through security. They’ll put you in this weird revolving tube and make you raise your hands above your head while they hit you with lots of radiation, not enough radiation to make you into the Incredible Hulk or Spider-man.

Unless you say three little words and then you don’t get irradiated: I opt out.

The weird tube will give you a lot of radiation, so much that I hope you get a really painful cancer if you put up with them making you do this. Except for my wife. I don’t want her to get cancer. She puts up with this shit and and she still got gate-raped after getting irradiated because she had a dryer sheet in her pocket. I thought that was pretty funny, since I wore a kilt and Hello Kitty panties and opted out, and I got less hassled than she did.

Lesson learned: I could have had 84 pounds of C-4 tucked into my Hello Kitty panties and nobody with a penis at TSA wanted to find out what I was packing. My panties were TSA-agent-kryptonite. Islamic terrorists, here’s how you do it.

What we do know, from how my wife got got gate-raped and how Amy Alkon got gate-raped, is that I should get a TSA job so I can feel up random women whenever I want to. Seriously, TSA agents are “randomly” feeling up hot girls whenever they want to. What a great job!

Amy Alkon, the awesome girl who’s The Advice Goddess, is getting sued by some ugly TSA bitch for $500K for saying “raped” while getting finger-banged by said ugly TSA bitch.

How do I know the TSA bitch is ugly? Because everyone working for TSA is ugly, stupid and has a mustache.

Is there a TSA requirement that you must be “not fuckable” to get hired?

Maybe I could get a job at TSA. I’d have to grow a mustache.

Thedala Magee is the name of the psycho horrible bitch who’s suing Amy Alkon. I don’t know whether Thedala Magee is doing this because she’s a horrible cunt who watches too much “sue everybody” TV before she goes to work at her horrible government job or whether her overlords at her horrible government job told her to do it. I  suspect the latter.

Either way, I hope Thedala Magee gets killed in a crosswalk. I hope she falls through the social safety-net and gets impaled on a sharp stick.

Now the important stuff…

Obama’s fascist brigades are taking these same TSA backscatter machines on the road. Literally. They’re scanning parked cars, looking for guns in your glove boxes and other suspicious things. No warrants, no nothing, just driving down city streets, backscattering to their police state heart’s content. They’re randomly setting it up in bus and train stations. They’re randomly irradiating you so they can see what’s in your pockets and laugh at at your fat asses and skinny wee-wee’s.

So let me be completely clear.

This is the rape of the 4th Amendment. If you don’t get this, you deserve to have a guy with an 8 dollar an hour job stick an 8 cent glove up your butt.

If you voluntarily go to an airport and voluntarily go through a backscatter machine because you are afraid of missing your flight, you are a gutless wonder and unworthy of American citizenship. I hope they load you on a Buchenwald-bound train. Except my wife. She’s kind of a retard about this kind of stuff. Love is exception-making.

Just to be really really fucking clear, my wife is one of you. I love her to death, but she shouldn’t be allowed to vote. She’s almost as stupid as the average Democrat when it comes to politics. She’s constitutionally incapable of understanding Constitutional principles. Thank Christ she doesn’t read this blog. She doesn’t read anything that Oprah doesn’t recommend or that doesn’t have a fucking beach scene on the cover or that isn’t titled [noun] [preposition] [food noun] or [Meaningless Phrase That Sounds Kinda Sad].

Bottom line: if you don’t say “I opt out” when TSA tries to send you through their machine, you’re not even trying to be a human being. Unless you’re a girl. We’ll give girls a pass here. Aristotle was right. The 19th Amendment was wrong.

Good luck finding a woman who knows what the 19th Amendment is.


September 17, 2011

A long time ago, in a state far far away, I was a pirate roofer.

Me and my friends ignored all gubmint regulation, said fuck you to contractors’ licenses, and had no lack of customers.

Occasionally, we’d get chased off roofs by state regularors, but those lazy fucks never followed up. We just kept on keepin’ on.

Here’s what everybody needs to know about government regulation:

It does stifle startups and entrepreneurs. Actually, it smothers. There are people like me who consider it a badge of honor to start illegal businesses but most people aren’t like me. They just give up.

My wife made the mistake of marrying me and moving to a blue state where she had to deal with ridiculous regulation. In her home state, she catered big parties of several hundred people without the government getting involved. In this stupid state, she has to have a separate dedicated kitchen and comply with other ridiculous regulations. So she’s abandoned that business. She does work ad hoc for the giant caterers who cater to the super-wealthy. Nobody caters to the middle class here.

Government regulations are, 99% of the time, about suppressing competition. Get it, you liberal idiots? Probably not.




September 17, 2011

Up All Night is a new sitcom based on the new, fresh idea that first time parents with a new baby are going to be tired and stressed.

But it does have Will Arnett in it (from Arrested Development) and Christina Applegate (from Married with Children).

It’s pretty funny.

He’s househusbanding. She’s executive producer of the Ava show (the slaps at Oprah make me cackle).

On her first day back to work, she’s The Savior.

On his first day as standalone househusband he calls her in a panic from the grocery store because grocery stores are really big and he can’t find the cheese. She tells him it’s next to the eggs and talks him down.

Just as funny a joke would have been if she held up a wrench and hammer and asked him which one’s the screwdriver.

Safety Net or Flypaper?

September 16, 2011

Item: Teachers in Tacoma, WA are on an illegal strike. Their students are demonstrating in support (in support of not having to go to school). The governor of Washington, Christine Gregoire, a typical Democrat moron, gets on TV and wink wink nudge nudge sides with the teachers as much as she can without being in open contempt of court and inciting insurrection.

Item: Aforementioned Gubner Gregoire is talking about cutting state budgets 10% across the board. Good for her. News story following that announcement showcases young single mother with children ages 2 and 5, bitching about the cuts and how they’re going to hurt her. She’s dumb as a box of hammers. No wonder she’s so easy to impregnate. It probably takes more game to get your cocker spaniel to let you fuck it. One of the kids obviously has a white baby daddy, the other obviously has a black baby daddy. I’m not making a racist point here–I’m making the point that she has shitted out 2 brats in 5 years from two different guys, neither of whom is in the picture and she is filled with righteous anger at the thought of me not paying for brat #1’s pre-kindergarten checkup. The moron producing the news story doesn’t ask where’s daddy, much less where’s daddies? If the checkup included spaying, I’d gladly pay and give her a coupon for a free Happy Meal. Or lifetime free abortions.

Item: People’s Court today, starring Judge Cutie. Couple breaking up, she took the 60 inch Mitsubishi TV that they are making payments on RENT TO OWN. Been together 7 years, since he was 18 and she was 16. Lived the first few years in her parents’ house. She’s stabbed him in the head with a screwdriver and broken his nose with a hairbrush. He’s choked her out a time or two.  He’s suing for the TV, which she took when she moved out taking everything while he was at work. She’s been banging some other guy for the last several months, the proximate cause of the breakup. But wait, there’s more….they have a 10 month old daughter.

How likely do you think it is that you and I won’t be paying routine bills for that poor little brat? Or that the brat won’t turn up the volume to 11 listening to her stupid slutty mom and her stupid abusive dad?

I don’t care if you’re a fat, incompetent schoolteacher getting paid way too much or a skinny, stupid girl who cain’t say no, you are ruining this country. Well, I guess  you’re not ruining it. You’re just cattle being stampeded by liberal douchebags. These days, there’s not even that much difference between the fat teacher and the skinny slut in terms of literacy and eloquence. They’re both just people who think their shit don’t stink, so the rest of you pay me. That’s really what about half this country thinks:

My shit don’t stink! Pay me.

Fuck you. Either we’ll send these lazy, horrible people a message in 2012 or they’ll send a message to us. Either way, the days of getting paid for thinking you have stink-free shit are coming to an end. It’s only a matter of how much these people will have their noses rubbed in it.

Just to be clear, by “lazy, horrible people” I do mean schoolteachers. Yes, I know there are good schoolteachers, and I know there some poor people who deserve help. But most of them are horrible, lazy people who use the “good ones” as cover.