When Raccoons Attack

July 11, 2012

I can’t find this video yet on You Tube, so you’ll just have to trust me.

Dateline: KOMO 4 News in Seattle, 6pm TV newscast.

They had a story on this dumb bitch who attacked a herd of 10 raccoons and they attacked back. She got various bites and scratches and bruises. I have to admit, they were pretty spectacular minor injuries. She looked like Rihanna after make-up sex with Chris Brown, if Rihanna were a fat Seattle 40-something white girl who traded in most of her common sense for inflated self-esteem and decided to flirt with a gang of raccoons and the raccoons gang-banged her.

Here’s the point of this post:

As the tagline on the story, the hot Asian news-bimbo (we like hot Asian news-bimbos in Seattle, which is one of the few things we have in common with normal people) read this off the teleprompter:

“Mikayla is a nursing student and worries about the cost of treatment. She has only major medical coverage.”

Maybe you can say that it’s just KOMO 4 News in Seattle on TV at 6pm that is in the tank for the government, but we all know this shit goes on all the time. We should stop calling it being in the tank. We should call it manning the glory hole for the government. And 80% of people in traditional media are doing it. I mean, sucking it.

Oh, and as far as Mikayla Lee goes (I don’t know if that’s how she spells her name but who gives a fuck?):

  • She knew there were 10 raccoons living in this tree outside her house.
  • She thought they were cute. She never expected raccoons to be, like, actual wild animals. “I never thought they’d try to attack me, I just thought they were trying to chase me off…” (That’s from video of this braindead bitch actually saying that, so you can’t blame the media for distorting this one.)
  • She went jogging with her stupid dog off its leash. Her dog chased 2 raccoons up the tree.
  • She went running to defend her dog, and 5 other raccoons tried to put a cap in her stupid ass.
  • The attack ended when the dog bared its teeth and growled. Dumb bitch calls her dog a hero dog, even though he started it. Well, if you go back far enough, her parents started it by being contraceptive ignoramuses.
  • She’s continuing her daily walk past the raccoons who really don’t like her now. No fear. I hope they rip out her ovaries.

Oh, and here’s the best thing: she attributed her survival to her being in shape. Well, yeah, compared to Mama Cass. And her boyfriend prevailed on her to start carrying pepper spray. At last, common sense shows up in this story. Bet she doesn’t carry it.


Sandusky’s wife should go to jail too

June 23, 2012

Seriously, why not?

She colluded or covered up. Unless you’re stupid, you know that’s true.

She will get away with it. I hope her evil head explodes.

Gate Rape

September 24, 2011

If you fly on airplanes at airports in America, you have to go through security. They’ll put you in this weird revolving tube and make you raise your hands above your head while they hit you with lots of radiation, not enough radiation to make you into the Incredible Hulk or Spider-man.

Unless you say three little words and then you don’t get irradiated: I opt out.

The weird tube will give you a lot of radiation, so much that I hope you get a really painful cancer if you put up with them making you do this. Except for my wife. I don’t want her to get cancer. She puts up with this shit and and she still got gate-raped after getting irradiated because she had a dryer sheet in her pocket. I thought that was pretty funny, since I wore a kilt and Hello Kitty panties and opted out, and I got less hassled than she did.

Lesson learned: I could have had 84 pounds of C-4 tucked into my Hello Kitty panties and nobody with a penis at TSA wanted to find out what I was packing. My panties were TSA-agent-kryptonite. Islamic terrorists, here’s how you do it.

What we do know, from how my wife got got gate-raped and how Amy Alkon got gate-raped, is that I should get a TSA job so I can feel up random women whenever I want to. Seriously, TSA agents are “randomly” feeling up hot girls whenever they want to. What a great job!

Amy Alkon, the awesome girl who’s The Advice Goddess, is getting sued by some ugly TSA bitch for $500K for saying “raped” while getting finger-banged by said ugly TSA bitch.

How do I know the TSA bitch is ugly? Because everyone working for TSA is ugly, stupid and has a mustache.

Is there a TSA requirement that you must be “not fuckable” to get hired?

Maybe I could get a job at TSA. I’d have to grow a mustache.

Thedala Magee is the name of the psycho horrible bitch who’s suing Amy Alkon. I don’t know whether Thedala Magee is doing this because she’s a horrible cunt who watches too much “sue everybody” TV before she goes to work at her horrible government job or whether her overlords at her horrible government job told her to do it. I  suspect the latter.

Either way, I hope Thedala Magee gets killed in a crosswalk. I hope she falls through the social safety-net and gets impaled on a sharp stick.

Now the important stuff…

Obama’s fascist brigades are taking these same TSA backscatter machines on the road. Literally. They’re scanning parked cars, looking for guns in your glove boxes and other suspicious things. No warrants, no nothing, just driving down city streets, backscattering to their police state heart’s content. They’re randomly setting it up in bus and train stations. They’re randomly irradiating you so they can see what’s in your pockets and laugh at at your fat asses and skinny wee-wee’s.

So let me be completely clear.

This is the rape of the 4th Amendment. If you don’t get this, you deserve to have a guy with an 8 dollar an hour job stick an 8 cent glove up your butt.

If you voluntarily go to an airport and voluntarily go through a backscatter machine because you are afraid of missing your flight, you are a gutless wonder and unworthy of American citizenship. I hope they load you on a Buchenwald-bound train. Except my wife. She’s kind of a retard about this kind of stuff. Love is exception-making.

Just to be really really fucking clear, my wife is one of you. I love her to death, but she shouldn’t be allowed to vote. She’s almost as stupid as the average Democrat when it comes to politics. She’s constitutionally incapable of understanding Constitutional principles. Thank Christ she doesn’t read this blog. She doesn’t read anything that Oprah doesn’t recommend or that doesn’t have a fucking beach scene on the cover or that isn’t titled [noun] [preposition] [food noun] or [Meaningless Phrase That Sounds Kinda Sad].

Bottom line: if you don’t say “I opt out” when TSA tries to send you through their machine, you’re not even trying to be a human being. Unless you’re a girl. We’ll give girls a pass here. Aristotle was right. The 19th Amendment was wrong.

Good luck finding a woman who knows what the 19th Amendment is.


September 12, 2011

Shirley Partridge nee Shirley Jones is MILF Zero.

Since canceling Comcast, I’ve been DVRing random stuff and The Partridge Family is surprisingly well-written and sophisticated. And subversive. And the songs are often bad, but better than the Britney shit being pumped up our butts today.

An example of the subversiveness:

Every child of every parent is supposed to go “Ewww!” at the thought of their parents having sex to create them.

The kids on The Partridge Family get it that Mom is getting laid and Mom gets it that the kids are getting laid. The dialog about getting laid is about ethics and it’s intergenerational. Kids thumbs up or thumbs down Mom’s dates and vice versa. It should be creepy, but it’s not. Smash cut to now–now is creepy:

Parents ignore their 13 year old daughter giving blowjobs before home room every morning. 13 year old daughter assumes she was conceived immaculately and doesn’t want to hear otherwise from her impotent parents.

If you get caught by the gubmint with a picture of said daughter at age 3 months without her clothes on, that’s a child porn beef.

18 year old daughter will go off to college and, according to the feminist-mandated college conduct code, as long as frat boy asks out loud, “Is it OK if I do you in the butt?” it’s OK when he prolapses her anus, as long as she’s not passed out. If frat boy forgets to ask, Is it OK if I kiss you? he’s going to get expelled.

Women are empowered to desperately search for Mr. Right by going down on guys in club bathrooms till one or more of them passes the Call Me, Please? test.

Rich bitch Hollywood actresses with enough money to pay for 2 and a half nannies encourage ordinary women to get knocked up without a plan.

Wow, we’ve come so far.

Anyhow, I’d go through the kid gauntlet to get to Shirley Partridge. I’d probably get killed by Danny half way through, but at least I’d die trying.


May 30, 2011

Ahnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards, Eliott Spitzer, Bill Clinton…what do all these cheaters have in common?

They married whores.

Their whore wives married cads, of course. But there are plenty of other people taking care of the cad-bashing. So I’ll take up the distaff side.

What is a whore? A whore is a woman who capitalizes on her sexuality for economic gain. By this definition, the majority of women are whores, or at least whore-wannabe’s.  Sorry, ladies, if the fuck-me pump fits, and a man paid for it, or you used it to get a man to pay for lobster, you’re a whore.

Being a whore isn’t the worst thing in the world. The hypocrisy about it is kind of annoying though.

It may seem in bad taste for me to call Elizabeth Edwards a whore. She is the worst whore of the 4 whore-wives I mentioned above. She just proves that whores are not immune from cancer. And, come on, look at those two…EE was either a skilled whore or willing to do highly specific things that most whores won’t do. Given what a feckless freak John Edwards is, I’m betting the latter. I’ll bet Elizabeth did things that John hasn’t yet dared broach to Reilly. And, I’m betting that whatever’s on that sex tape is really embarrassing, like cigar-up-Monica embarrassing.

Let’s distinguish whorishness from hypergamy. Women are attracted to male alpha-ness like men are attracted to female hottiness. That’s not what I’m talking about here. Whorishness is not about attraction but about calculation. Anna Nicole and her 90 year old husband–she’s a whore. Maria Shriver attracted to Ahnold–not a proven whore, until recently.

It’s hard to tell hypergamy from whorishness, especially with rich & famous couples till there’s a publicly-disclosed infidelity. That’s when the whore puts on her longsuffering victim makeup, and stands by her john.

I totally get it that hypergamously-successful women might not have started out as whores. But as they age and their prospects, estrogen levels and boobs droop, and as their alpha husbands stay on their upward trajectory, well, SPLAT. Hypergamy curdles into whorishness.

What’s most interesting about the 4 head cases I mentioned in line 1 of this post is how not-alpha they behaved when busted. But I’ll save my thoughts about that for another post.

What the hell did Hilary, Elizabeth, Maria and whatever the hell her name is who married Spitzer expect? Unicorns and rainbows? Oh, yeah, that’s exactly what they expected.

Stuck on stupid they were, yes, so think I. </Yoda>

They all ended up as whores, at an age long after most whores have long retired. Elizabeth and Maria and Hilary each helped cover up their husbands’ affairs to advance their careers. I find it very hard to believe that whatsername who married Spitzer was a marital mushroom either, though I have no facts about her journey to whoredom. I just saw her plant her hotel on Whore Avenue, so I’m assuming.

I won’t say which of these sad sacks I think started out as whores. Except Elizabeth Edwards. EE was born a ho. I feel about her like Christopher Hitchens feels about Mother Teresa.

Each of these women, along with being a whore, is worse, morally, than her philandering husband. Think about it. It’s not the crime, it’s the coverup.

Hill Crazy After All These Years

October 21, 2010

She’s baaaacckk…..

Anita Hill, the feminist whackjob whose torpedo narrowly missed sinking Clarence Thomas’s appointment to the Supreme Court, has gone public about a phone message that Thomas’s wife left. In the message, Mrs. Thomas says:

I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the years and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband. So give it some thought and certainly pray about this and come to understand why you did what you did. OK, have a good day.

Hill had a hissy fit and called the cops after getting that message. Well, the campus cops at Brandeis, where she works as a propagandist in the “womens’ studies” department, whatever the hell that is. The campus police reportedly called her hissy and upped the fit, and called the FBI.

Most people seem to be focusing on why in the world would Mrs. Thomas make such a phone call? I’m going to guess the proximate cause was that fourth glass of Chardonnay.

I’ve also heard quite a few people wonder why the Thomas’s don’t just get over it after 20 years. Now, that’s a stupid thing to wonder. Because it’s not over.

You hardly ever see anything written about Thomas that doesn’t reference Anita Hill. Thomas’s reputation has been as thoroughly and permanently soiled as Monica Lewinsky’s. The snickers are never going to stop–unless, perhaps, Anita Hill recants or at least admits that she went psycho-bitch and it was wrong and people, please leave the judge alone.

But that isn’t going to happen because she’s obviously still a psycho-bitch, as her behavior on getting the phone message demonstrates. Oh, and the campus cops at Brandeis are psycho-bitches too. Actually, I’m pretty sure that Anita Hill, the campus cops at Brandeis and every single member of the womens’ studies department have psycho-bitchitude in common.

I wouldn’t be surprised if that phone call didn’t come soon after Mrs. Thomas endured yet another snarky encounter at a party or restaurant, and she went home to brood about what that psycho-bitch did to her life, bottle of two buck chuck in hand.

Let’s assume that everything Hill said in her testimony about Thomas were true. She said:

  • His conduct did not in fact rise to the level of sexual harassment, though she kinda thought he wanted to date her.
  • That he talked about porn movies, explicitly talking about rape and bestiality scenes and mentioning Long Dong Silver.
  • That he bragged about how good he was in the sack.
  • That he joked once about there being a pubic hair on his coke can.

That’s it. Maybe I’ve forgotten another similar allegation, but that’s really about all she says happened, in several incidents scattered over several years. Ok, so Thomas has kind of a crude sense of frat-boy humor. What do you think innocent little girls have been subjected to while interning or working in Rahm Emmanuel’s office? Or Bill Clinton’s? Or a Kennedy’s? Or Joe Biden’s? Well, you get the point. This is NOT a BFD.

Three other psycho-bitches scurried out of the woodwork briefly to support Hill’s allegations, but all three chickened out and wouldn’t testify. If that qualifies to you as where there’s smoke, there’s fire, then you probably would have said the same thing in Salem in 1620, where there sure as hell was smoke and fire.

There’s one more incontrovertible fact that shows Hill didn’t think it was a BFD: She used Thomas as a career stepping stone, following him to another department to continue working with him, long after many of the incidents she claimed happened.

Except for Hill and her closet coven, nobody else supported the characterization of Thomas as this kind of bawdy, horny guy. He sure seems pretty serious, doesn’t he, and let’s remember that the department he ran where he took Hill with him was the Effing EEOC!

Given everything we know about Anita Hill, especially after this week, and everything we know about Clarence Thomas, the best you can say about her is that she’s an ungrateful, prototypical, resentful feminazi psycho-bitch who repaid a mentor who greatly advanced her career and treated her very well in general by ruining him with vicious gossip about minor private peccadillos that become capital offenses only in the bizarro world of feminist ideology. There is no way around that conclusion once you recognize the implications of the fact that she attached herself to him like a limpet.

Perhaps Thomas was so nice to her because he was still hoping to someday get into her crazypants. If so, that makes her worse, doesn’t it? The righteous feminist deliberately trading on her sexuality for unearned career advantage?

Personally, I think she’s lying. Were I to meet her, I’d say so to her face and give her a taste of the harassment the Thomas’s have been taking for 20 years.

Karen Owen’s Little Black PPT Book

October 9, 2010

Karen Owen is the graduate in Slutty Studies from Duke University whose Powerpoint sent to her girlfriends about all the guys she fucked has now been posted all over the web. Go read it while you still can.

No doubt, Karen is toiling in and fucking her way through some big corporation now. I say that based on her PPT skills and the repetitive, anal-ytic template of the slides.

She rates various athletes at Duke on repetitive slides with bullet points for Introduction, Memorable Moments, Pro’s, Con’s and Final Score. For each of Karen’s conquests, she prepared at least one small-type slide with with a paragraph or two under each heading. Several fucktoys got multiple slides.

An abbreviated example:

Introduction:  My introduction to this Subject, baseball player uno, came on Halloween 2009, after two months of acting like a mature, responsible adult. I blame….blah blah blah

Memborable moments: I could not walk the next day. Could. Not. Walk. blah blah blah

Pro’s:  Did I mention I could not walk the next day? he was very well equipped… blah blah blah

Cons: He snored….blah blah blah

Raw Score: cut off on deadspin.com. Really. I’m guessing an 8.

For a minute there, I thought this page was about me, except I don’t play baseball anymore.

So I have some questions that I haven’t seen addressed elsewhere:

From my own PPT experience, I guess this took 10 or more hours of work. More work than your typical drunken blog post. Enough work that you’d sober up and delete it and if you still think this was a good idea sober the next day and probably the day after that…my point is, I bet this took more than a weekend to put together and it wasn’t a purely chemically-induced thing.

What motivated this woman to create this PPT and keep at it till it was ready? and send it to friends? Maybe the PPT was years in the making and sending it to her friends was a drunken decision? Why did she want her female friends (and/or the world) to know all the dirty details about her “walks of shame” and one-night-stands?

Is this bragging, confessing, vengeance, a calculated risky career move? (I rule out only confessing from the above list.)

The best case scenario in my mind is that she’s kind of a whacko whose self-esteem is entirely between her legs (a Gwen Stefani fan) and this PPT had been repeatedly revised for years and then one day she sent it out because she thought it was so clever and she’s totally surprised by how her friends agreed and sent it out and she’s just one more cautionary tale about how the web can suddenly turn its evil eye to you if you do something interesting and embarrassing.