When Raccoons Attack

I can’t find this video yet on You Tube, so you’ll just have to trust me.

Dateline: KOMO 4 News in Seattle, 6pm TV newscast.

They had a story on this dumb bitch who attacked a herd of 10 raccoons and they attacked back. She got various bites and scratches and bruises. I have to admit, they were pretty spectacular minor injuries. She looked like Rihanna after make-up sex with Chris Brown, if Rihanna were a fat Seattle 40-something white girl who traded in most of her common sense for inflated self-esteem and decided to flirt with a gang of raccoons and the raccoons gang-banged her.

Here’s the point of this post:

As the tagline on the story, the hot Asian news-bimbo (we like hot Asian news-bimbos in Seattle, which is one of the few things we have in common with normal people) read this off the teleprompter:

“Mikayla is a nursing student and worries about the cost of treatment. She has only major medical coverage.”

Maybe you can say that it’s just KOMO 4 News in Seattle on TV at 6pm that is in the tank for the government, but we all know this shit goes on all the time. We should stop calling it being in the tank. We should call it manning the glory hole for the government. And 80% of people in traditional media are doing it. I mean, sucking it.

Oh, and as far as Mikayla Lee goes (I don’t know if that’s how she spells her name but who gives a fuck?):

  • She knew there were 10 raccoons living in this tree outside her house.
  • She thought they were cute. She never expected raccoons to be, like, actual wild animals. “I never thought they’d try to attack me, I just thought they were trying to chase me off…” (That’s from video of this braindead bitch actually saying that, so you can’t blame the media for distorting this one.)
  • She went jogging with her stupid dog off its leash. Her dog chased 2 raccoons up the tree.
  • She went running to defend her dog, and 5 other raccoons tried to put a cap in her stupid ass.
  • The attack ended when the dog bared its teeth and growled. Dumb bitch calls her dog a hero dog, even though he started it. Well, if you go back far enough, her parents started it by being contraceptive ignoramuses.
  • She’s continuing her daily walk past the raccoons who really don’t like her now. No fear. I hope they rip out her ovaries.

Oh, and here’s the best thing: she attributed her survival to her being in shape. Well, yeah, compared to Mama Cass. And her boyfriend prevailed on her to start carrying pepper spray. At last, common sense shows up in this story. Bet she doesn’t carry it.

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